Log in

entries friends calendar profile Previous Previous
previously, there was a recognition that 'I' am not the narrative that runs in my head, but the silent aware consciousness

previously, i also explored and discussed concepts of the separate self and the whole; 'I' as a part of the universe, as a drop of water in an ocean

in buddhist teachings, there is a prevalent teaching of 'no self', in psychologicial and philosophical circles, there is the idea of the 'self/ego' as merely a conceptual framework, a cognitive continuity that references a center called the self/me/I that only exists as a reference, in the same way that a name is only 'real' as a 'reference' to a human being.

for instance, a name 'Harry' is only a reference to a human being; 'Harry' is not real in the sense that there is a uniquely real harry-existence, just like a 'university' is only a reference to a conceptual institution made up of buildings, teachers, students, administrators, instead of a uniquely real university-existence.

in that same way, 'self' is not a real existence, but simply a reference, a concept to this particular form of life

'self' is simply a concept, nothing more. when buddha talks about no-self, he was referencing this realisation that 'self'/I/me is simply a concept, much like the ego is simply a conglomeration of thought-narratives. one can look at the grass in nature and give each blade a 'self', or look at one's fingers and give each one an identity, or note down and name every breath taken but they are still conceptual frames imposed onto the totality of life.

so 'you' are not merely part ot life, 'you' are life, and 'you' is simply a concept imposed on life to differentiate and distinguish a particular form and to enable others to reference it. 'you' have as much 'free will' as a blade of grass, a breath of life, a drop of water in the ocean, a university institution, a ripple in the river, a football team on the field.


if self-realisation is the recognition that one is not the thought-narratives that run through one's head but the awareness/consciousness behind it, no-self-realisation is the recognition that the I/self/me/ is merely a concept imposed onto awareness/consciousness and a particular expression of life. a universe is a particular expression, a planet as well, as is a country, a state, a community, a human body, a finger, a cell, a molecule, an atom.

the totality of life runs itself and all its particular expressions. a particular expression can have the delusion that it is the particular rather than the totality - a person that identifies itself as the human being rather than an expression of the totality - and with it, the delusion of free will (that a particular expression has agency over, and can defy the will of the totality) such as the blade of grass 'thinking' that it can sway independently or even against the wind, or that the wave is rising on the merits of its own hard work independent of the currents and ocean, or the human being that 'makes it' on his own

understanding that there is no real 'self'', that 'self' is merely a concept, there is no 'one' to have free will nor is there anyone to be a puppet of determinism. there is simply the totality of life expressing its self through this form - free in the sense that the totality of life can only be spontaneous and free on its own (after all, the totality IS total and cannot be subject to anything else, and is thus free), determined in the sense that all expressions are determined by the totality of life
Leave a comment
I DID NOT KNOW that livejournal only allowed you to view entries from your friends page from the last two weeks until recently. for a while, i've been wondering where all my friend entries went but assumed it was some kind of setting error or bug but i recently found out that its been livejournal policy to set a two week limit on friend entry display

big part of why i hung around was to see what rubbish my friends would post (teehee), but was they blogged more sporadically, i checked less often as well, thinking that the entries would accumulate so i could read em in one big patch but this 2 week limit thing makes it so that i have to check up on it every 2 weeks minimum!?!

seems like this lj might be dying a slow death since i have less reason to check up on it now.

i have entires up to 2007!! which i am SCARED of revisiting but want to keep around so that one day when i am braver i will be able to look and cringeywingey or be blown away but my own brilliance.

anyway i was going to post something else on spirituality and i think i should keep things separate
Leave a comment
tragedy; the basic fault; original sin;

'you are bad/not good enough/ insufficient/ inadequate"

first, the parent splits the child's connection to his source, his fullness, his completeness, his sense of unconditional love and support and nourishment and sustenance and all that makes him whole, full, happy. the child is told that his being is insufficient, that he/she is incomplete, deficient, inadequate

(ironically, the original sin in mainstream christianity refers to a state of inherent deficiency, an intrinsic sinfulness, that humans are by their very nature, bad )

in order to earn approval/love/appreciation/reward, the parent tells the child that they must do xyz

this sets the dysfunctional pattern in the child that they are not whole and loved as they are, and that they must do something in order to feel whole, to receive love, to get approval. Being themselves is not enough, they must do and find fulfillment in doing

enough people do this, and the individual has this pattern mirrored all around him; the pattern becomes embedded into society's superego, passed on from one generation to the other, the pattern and message being - you are not good enough unless you do something that we approve of


most people never fully heal from this dysfunctional pattern; you can be eighty, disease-ridden, dying, a billionaire, and yet still be hungering for more power and money. why? because society tells you that power and money gives you wholeness and completion, and when you get it, for a while it seems true, for a while the world seems right, you feel complete, fulfilled, relieved, but because the dysfunctional pattern is based on doing, you will sooner or later have to continue doing to chase that high again

the dysfunctional pattern is that the individual is incomplete, insufficient, bad, sinful, by themselves, and that the only way they can redeem and restore themselves is to do and achieve what society tells them that they must

society's superego is the parent telling the child to study hard to earn their approval


the secret of life, the universe, of redemption, liberation is so simple

you are already whole, you are already precious and perfect, valuable and love. a person that gives unconditional love mirrors it to the person receiving it, helps the person realise that they are already love, already whole, already value.

its a simple message yet its so difficult to understand and accept because, truly, as simple as the message is, there are important caveats

you are, in your essence, whole, complete, love, joy, BUT the caveat is that you are likely to, like the overwhelmingly vast majority of humanity, possess the dysfunctional pattern in you that has led you to accumulate layers of conditioning and traumatised pain-energy that blocks you from feeling and connecting to your sense of wholeness, love, and joy

in your essence you already whole, but because of the dysfunctional pattern embedded in you, you cannot feel it, at least not fully and for the majority o the time


if you want to find the solution, first you must understand the problem

and this is the problem of original sin - the original sin is that society, your parents, the bible, told you that you were not good enough as you were, that you were not whole and complete and good and loved as you already are, that you cannot simply just be

instead, you must do whatever they tell you you must do to feel that wholeness, to receive love, to be complete, to full-fill yourself

you must recognize that this dysfunctional pattern is the cause of your problems, the root of your unhappiness, of deficiency and incompleteness.

you must recognize that seeking outwards for fulfillment is the very thing that disconnects you from your fullness, that further perpetuates your cycle of suffering, that strengthens and repeats the dysfunctional pattern


the path of redemption is a simple but difficult one

few people can feel whole, complete, full, happy just by being who they are. one can accept the message that fulfillment is their essence but it is meaningless unless they can feel and experience it. to be whole, to be love, to be value, to be complete, to be happy is only meaningful if one actually experiences it but most people can't feel it all the time or even the majority of the time. if they could, they would no longer play out the dysfunctional pattern to seeking wholeness and fulfillment from the outside

what blocks and disconnects them from feeling their essence, their source, their nature that is fulfillment, value and love is layers of mental-emotional conditioning and traumatised pain-energy that have built up.

the main obstacle is truly the traumatised pain-energy that is present because it can be so unbearable, so overwhelming, that one becomes so desperate to seek relief that they fall back into their old dysfunctional patterns, much like an addict unable to withstand the energetic pull of his cravings relapses.

when one learns to stop seeking and stop looking to the outside, they must then turn inwards. but what they usually first encounter are knots and balls and layers of traumatised pain-energy - stuff that makes them restless, uncomfortable, inadequate, depressed, angry, anxious and all that bad shit. previously, the usual solution to all these tensions was to discharge them outside - find someone or something to take it out on, or to find some distraction or external relief

to clear one's psyche of the bundles of pain-energy is the only way to return one's connection to their source. as one experiences it, accepts it, feels the pain-energy - instead of ignoring, running away or dissociating from it - the pain gradually discharges. relapsing is sometimes inevitable as long as the energy charge is too overwhelming, but as long as one makes some effort and does work towards dicharging at least some of the pain-energy, progress is made


and there lies the path of redemption. be as you are in this present moment right now, accept and experience the pain-energy that rises up, recognize that whilst external events might trigger it, ultimately the source of pain is within as is the solution, and thus the only sane action is to discharge the pain by facing it instead of blaming it on some outside source.

here, the mental and feeling aspects support each other; when one is feeling good, it is easy to recognize and affirm the mental logic of the spiritual teaching; when one is feeling bad, it is essential that one remembers the mental logic of the spiritual teaching so as not to fall back into the old dysfunctional pattern of looking towards the outside for answers and solutions

as one returns back to their source, their essence and true nature, the split in the psyche is healed, the basic fault repaired, the original sin repented. one then experiences themselves not as whole or loved or joyful, but wholeness itself, love itself, joy itself. one is completeness, one is wholeness, one is love
Leave a comment
after a roughly 3 month period of angst-depression, my inner experience has become stiller and together with the self-realisation experience, enabled me a much clearer understanding of spiritual truths.

our true, pure nature or essence is one of peace, well-being, trust and joy. to find true happiness, that is unconditional, is to dissolve all that veils us from our pure nature/essence.

when one is born, one mostly experiences their beingness and essence. if one observes an infant or small children, there is a sense of trust, spontaneity, and well-being in them. even though physically they are small and vulnerable, there is a sense of confidence and fearlessness in them that they possess.

however, since current humanity/society is mostly stuck in egoic consciousness, trapped in the suffering and unhappiness of their mental-emotional patterns, the child grows up and begins to internalise the egoic consciousness. they take on thoughts, concepts, self-images that veil their consciousness, that dissociates them from their beingness, their true essence. the pains and fears that surround them as they grow up are internalised and they adopt patterns of suffering and unhappiness

one of these patterns is the orientation, habit and idea that happiness/fulfillment comes from outside. in the first place, this is untrue. the fulfillment comes from Being, and just the external orientation itself displaces us away from our true Being. this creates a hole in our experience, which humans then try to fill up with something outside. when one finally achieves the desired object, the psychological orientation away from Being is temporarily paused, enabling the person to access his natural Being. but because this outward orientation is so ingrained, one cannot rest in that Being state and gradually feels the inner tension, the return of the hole, and the need to fill it up again.

all dysfunctional patterns come from our alienation from Being and thus are all related, but another variation of the pattern is the need for struggle/effort/doing due to a sense of fear and distrust. because trust and well-being come from our true Beingness/nature, when we are separated from it, we develop and experience a sense of fear, threat and distrust. because we cannot trust and let go and let life, there develops an urge to control, to struggle, to 'do' our life. we think that nothing will happen if we don't do anything, we think that we must struggle to protect ourselves and those around us. we don't see that our Beingness, our true essence, life, is dynamic and eternally changing, developing, evolving, experiencing. when one sees and experiences the dynamism of being, our true essence, one can then relax, let go, and trust in the dynamism and flow of life.


in the most basic terms, everything boils down to whether or not we are established in our Beingness/true nature/Christ consciousness or not. our Beingness is simply who we are in essence, it is our original state, our natural state, the kingdom of heaven, paradise, that is always with us. when we are established in it, we are goodness, love, joy, peace, fulfillment. disconnected from it, we are fearful, restless, distrusting, unloving, unfulfilled.

all spiritual work is to enable us to regain that natural state of Being, where we flow with life, where we are full of love and fulfillment. all spiritual work is to show us how Beingness is, and to discharge the egoic consciousness within us that dissociates us from our Beingness.

the idea of nondoing means the dropping of struggle and allowing the dynamism of Being to take over. it means that we relinquish ego-based action, so that Being-ness, our true nature, can act.

the idea of surrender, means relinquishing egoic activity that seek to escape from pain or run towards desire, so that we can return to the stillness and peace of Being.

the idea of being present, means to return and establishing ourselves in our Beingness which is here, now, in the present moment, and dropping egoic activity that usually pulls us away into the past or future, in time

the idea of self-inquiry is to strip away our egoic conceptions of who we are, to reveal the Beingness that is truly who we are in essence. Beingness is extremely ordinary, it is within everyone, it is the sense of presence and consciousness was present when we were infants and present when we are adults. strip away all mental-emotional concepts that we develop from infancy to adulthood and one can get a sense of our original Beingness.
Leave a comment
multiple interpretations of self-realisation

1.understanding, realising, experientially knowing who the true Self is. realisation as a process of understanding.
2. embodying, becoming, living as the true Self in reality, in practice, to make it real instead of just a concept. realisation as a process of bringing into reality
3. making the locus of self real, authentic, genuine making ourselves and our sense of self REAL, instead of remaining as our fake and false ego-personalities. realisation as a process of becoming more authentic and less fake.

in a wonderful manner, all three interpretations are completely apt descriptions of Self-realisation, and are all relevant and significant facets of Self-realisation.


to explain why self-realisation is a path and process of dissolution, the third interpretation is the most apt.

the third interpretation posits that we carry ego-personalities that are 'fake', false and artificial. in day-to-day experience, we can usually distinguish people who seem 'fake' and those who are more genuine and authentic. we find people who are more genuine and authentic usually more pleasant to be around, whilst there is usually an unsettling or uneasy quality around those who feel 'fake'. the 'fake' person possess the same real, genuine authentic Self, but feels 'fake' because they carry a heavier ego-personality that distorts their individual expression.

self-REALisation, then, is a process of removing, dissolving, transcending what is fake, false and aritificial in us. what is real is already there. you cannot create it, build it, achieve it, obtain it, acquire it, in the same way as you cannot build or acquire the light shining from the sun. the light is already there, shining brightly. all one needs to do is to remove the clouds that block it from coming through.

to be real, then, means to remove what is false in us, to destroy our artificiality, to transcend our delusions.

look. if you want to be absolutely real, absolutely genuine, if you want to be who you are in all its beauty and fire and preciousness, you must realise that you already are that. you already are you, you cannot be any more real than who you are.

to lead and live a real, authentic life, one must recognize that life is already real, is already authentic. the reality of life is that it is real, just like the reality of you is you, and the reality of 1 is 1.

if we and life are already real, then where does the sense of fakeness and artificiality in our lives and society come from?


as established above, truth and reality is unadulterated existence. what is false, fake and artificial must therefore be added on as impurities that dirty and discolor the pristine purityof real-ness

what is false? all that is not real.

the ego-personality - our self-image, narrative stories, concepts, identifications, beliefs, ideas about life - all falsities

if you have a self-image of yourself, you will try to live out or defend this self-image. your self-image is who you think you are, not who you are.

if you have an idea or concept about how reality or your life should be and you try to live it that way, you are not living a real life, but a concept of life.

imagine a person that lives in singapore and adopts the conditioning in singapore. reset and put the same person in america and he will adopt a different set of conditioning. who the person essentially never changes whether they grew up in singapore or america, but their conditioning and ego-personality changes. who they are is essentially who they are; what is added on to them are artificial constructs

a baby starts off with essentially no concepts in life or conditioning. they experience life in a completely real and open manner. a baby doesn't get frustrated if they are born in poverty because they have no concept of poverty. there is just reality. babies and young children are open, innocent and fully authentic because they have not yet added enough falsehood to veil their essence, their real-ness.

as part of the growth and developmental process, the child has to develop his conceptual abilities. previously, the child lived in an undifferentiated, nonconceptual reality without the capacity to use concepts. as he grows up, he learns to differentiate reality and use concepts and gradually inhabits a conceptual reality (reality veiled and defined by concepts). he has to build up an ego structure to develop a sense of self, an individuality, and independence. and yet, there must come a time where the grown-up child transitions into being an adult. the grown-up child must mature and transcend conceptual reality into a true adult - one that has evolved the capacity to use and employ concepts, but transcends them and lives in a differentiated, nonconceptual reality

(in this definition, most adults are therefore merely grown-up children - subject to tantrums, delusional concepts (eg religious fundamentalism), negativity, suffering. just look at how childish many politicians and 'adults' behave to see how true this definition is!)


self-REALisation is thus a maturation process, a process of growing up. it means to live and die by the unadulterated Truth, to be completely genuine and authentic. it is a process of becoming real again, of embodying Matthew 18:3 "And he said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." We must become like little children, in the sense that we once again rediscover and reinhabit a genuine, authentic, nonconceptual reality, so that we can enter the kingdom of heaven - the state of happiness, peace and fulfillment, a state that can only come when we are being utterly real to ourselves.

self-realisation means to become real again, and since we already are real, we can only discard what is false. to reembody and inhabit a nonconceptual reality requires a stripping away of concepts, not a construction of a 'real' reality. we do not try to create or generate or make an 'authentic' reality since reality is already authentic. we do not try to create or achieve our authentic selves since we are already authentically ourselves.

thus, the process of becoming real is a process of dissolving and discarding what is false. as you dissolve what is false and become more real, you move closer to your true Self (first interpretation), and live from that true Self more in reality (second interpretation)


the actual process of becoming real is a matter of understanding. once you see and observe in your own experience what is false, you cannot take it so seriously anymore. you were false because you previously couldn't differentiate falsehood from reality. previously, you accepted the conditioning you were imprinted with, and the dictates of your ego-personality as real. you didn't quesiton them you identified with them, you thought you were them, and self-improvement or progress was a matter of replacing a negative concept with a more positive one.

a poor, lazy, ugly, unfit, low-self esteem, negative person is a bunch of concepts that you take to be yourself, and self-improvement comprises of trying to replace these concepts with more positive ones. so you try to gain wealth, to become more motivated, to become fitter, to gain confidence, to be more positive. of course, positive concepts are better to have than negative concepts, but they are still concepts. they are still not who you are. you can clothe yourself in more pleasant falsehoods, but falsehoods they remain.

to study hard, to get a good job, to find a relationship, to get married, to have kids, to be a productive member of society, to give back to society, to volunteer, to do charity, to obey the law. these are all concepts dictated to you by society, the superego at work. reality is none of those things. your life is none of those things. those are things you can do in your life, but not what your life is about. if your life is lived as a series of concepts to be adhered to, then you are not living a REALised life. you are living a false life, that can still be very pleasant (and if it is pleasant, why not continue?) but it is not a real life.

in a self-REALised person, there is nothing they should or should not do. they simply are, they are simply being, and are completely real, much like little children.

as one notices what is real and what is false, one gradually, automatically drops away what is false. falsity becomes more and more unappetizing, loses its appeal, and loosens its hold on a individual's consciousness. but the process can be and is often very difficult, very arduous, very painful.

by themselves, concepts and narratives are not that painful to let go off, although it might be unsettling. for instance, if one thought of himself as a successful businessman, it might be unsettling for him to no longer identify himself as a successful businessman. or, if a person realises they are not their Christian identity, it might be unsettling and frightening to her that she might lose the structures and relationships in her life that revolved around the Church.

much scarier is the dissolution of repressed pain and trauma that supported and justified the falsehoods. a girl that was sexually abused might carry with her the concepts that all men are bad, or the self-image that she was unworthy or a slut or that she deserved it. her ego-defenses sought to protect her from the trauma and pain, in fact, it was the pain and trauma from the abuse that caused her to develop these defenses. what happens when one goes through the process of dissolving all that is false, including ego defenses? the repressed pain and trauma will have to surface again to be experienced and released so that the trapped emotional charge stops running the ego defenses. in the end, the girl can become more open and develop a healthier relationship with herself and men, but to get there, she would probably have to experience her buried pain.

a lot of ego activity that creates, supports and perpetuates the falsehoods are running on emotional energy, most of it painful. a person adamant at being successful might be covering up the fear of humiliation or shame of being treated as a failure, a people-pleaser is probably covering up for a sense of deficiency and unworthiness, a person that wants to be 'special' is covering up a fear of being inadequate, of being ordinary. if one wishes to be real again, to be fully and completely who they are and not their ego-personalities, they will have to experience, dissolve and release all of the pain-energy repressed within them.

who we think we are is dissolved completely to reveal who we really are - that is the process of self-REALisation
Leave a comment
9 days ago, i cautiously posited that i might have realised my true self as the silent, full, dynamic awareness. now, i am sure that that realisation was a genuine one, but utterly, utterly undeveloped.

after the self-realisation, i went through mood cycles of with feelings of abandonment, meaninglessness, aridness, depression that usually eased up during the night. a lot of past memories were stirred up, as were a lot of raw emotions.

the self-realisation was genuine, but so what? unhappiness was still there, narrative thought was still there, the Self still got sucked into ego-stories. there was some distance, some space that the self-realisation gave me, but not much, and my inner background was so heavy, dull, and painful that the self-realisation felt so pointless and meaningless.

a truly mature and developed self-realisation 'should' be free of suffering - that is the point.


trial by fire;

all the pain and suffering that came up simply came up for no particular 'story' reason, meaning no particular external triggers. instead they just floated into consciousness and my guess is that most of it is past buried repressed pain surfacing as i stop running away and allow the unconscious trauma to surface into awareness

the pain and suffering sucks, but i can see that it can open one's heart. one is reminded of the preciousness of love, the preciousness of the other human being. when one is stunned, crushed, grinded down by the raw pain, there is just the utter blankness of the present moment. it is so utterly miserable when one is in it, and everything feels so hopeless and meaningless when one is stuck in suffering. when one steps out of the misery, one can look back and reflect on it as a healing process but when one is in the healing process, one just wants the pain to stop.


where did all this pain come from? why did it surface now, and not one year ago when external circumstances were relatively similar?

this existentialist angst, this abandonment anxiety, this grief of deep loss, this dreadful heaviness, this sense of inadequacy and deficiency

because in childhood, and even as we grew up, we were taught that meaning and fulfillment was to be found in the world; if not status, wealth or fame, then at the very least friendship, family and relationships. yet even friendships, family and relationships are objects of the world, transient, fleeting, subject to dissolution and death. if one seeks fulfilment only in existence, one is forced to be confronted with the angst of losing the existence that gives one meaning and fulfillment.

because in childhood, and even as we grew up, we were taught that love, security and connection was to be found in other people. and this was certainly true when we were children, being dependent on our caregivers. and when our needs were not met, when we were separated from those we were dependent on, we were abandoned, cut off from the love, warmth and security they gave us. traumatised, we became anxious for this not to happen again, yet when it inevitably happens, the pain of abandonment floods back

because we were told that our worth was subject to the discrimination of the world, their approval, their judgement, we tell each other that value and self-esteem is to be found in the world, of things, where one should find something that they can be proud of, where one should reframe the stories they tell themselves to be more positive, where one derives their sense of worth from doing something or having something. and because there are so many things to be done, because true worth ultimately cannot be found in the world of things, one is constantly feeling and fighting against the sense of inadequacy and deficiency


unconditional love is beautiful because it is not of this world; it is unconditional, there no matter the conditions of life. just being ourselves, here, now, is enough. we don't need to run or chase or seek elsewhere, in the world, for love and fulfillment because those are our nature, if only we can stop spinning and toiling away to notice it
Leave a comment

was thinking about death after noticing that (maybe) more than a quarter of my life has passed, wondering about how my parents feel about death, about how someone would lead their life knowing that it was going to end sooner or later, how in some sense we are just waiting to die, how it would feel to lose a person close to me, how people in their forties, fifties, sixties, seventies and more would lead their lives with the knowledge of their impending, inevitable death, how i would eventually (probably) lose my parents, etc

even though i have a deep conviction and knowing that our souls or consciousness survives after death, there was still a deep sadness at the thought of losing someone on the physical dimension. in recent weeks, after waking up i also frequently thought back on my past memories, the people i got to know and then separated from, very close friends, not so close friends, acquaintances, delightful moments shared with strangers, the activities i so enjoyed and engaged in but no longer do (football in high school, video games with friends, high jump, being in school, etc). (but almost no nostalgia for the 2 years in NS...)

decided to google how other people thought about the topic and experience of death and came across several threads which moved me, but the one that shook me the most was


reading how someone else lost entire family, especially their brother who was only a year older and their grieving process just shook me to the core and i couldn't help but cry in sadness and grief. i could feel the pain, the grief, the anguish, the profound sense of loss, not just for that particular person but for everyone who goes through the process.

i don't think the solution to this existentialist conundrum is to rationalize or distract one's way out of it. by staying with it, by experiencing the grief, the sadness, the anguish, by not trying to conceptualize an answer, one gradually comes to a deep peace to what is. or at least, that's how i experienced it

during the crying process, i could feel a deep empathy flow from me, recognizing the precious human being in everyone. no matter how ego-cluttered, the precious human being is there deep within. mortality also adds a sense of preciousness to life, and highlights the insignificance of whatever the ego thinks to be significant

at times like this, i want to get on facebook and announce my love or care for everyone but i stop myself because i know not everyone is in the same state as i am. i think this is only something one can do anonymously, or if they have terminal illness or having a shared experience

life is too precious to be wasted on living the way someone tells you you should. and no matter how hurtful or egotistical, deep within the core of every human is a preciousness that is there to be loved.
Leave a comment
i was washing the cooking pot, noticing the thoughts that ran through my head, when i suddenly thought,' i am not my life story'. the life story being the congolomeration of self-referential thoughts, emotions, reactions and narratives we build around our experience.

in that moment there was a very subtle, almost imperceptible shift, where it seemed that the 'I' thought that clung around the life story relaxed into the feeling of natural Beingness, the still, silent, consciousness. and it seemed to predominate, to gain a sense of certainty and sureness that previously wasn't there.

to use an analogy, it is like riding a bicycle and learning how to ride it and being unsure whether one knows how to ride the bicycle and then, gradually, almost imperceptibly, suddenly being sure that one knows how to ride a bicycle.

whilst i previously was very familiar with the sense of Beingness, the Self, i was still unsure, wavering, intellectually familiar but experientially shaky, until i finally shifted into a sureness, a certainty that this is my Self, this is who I am, devoid and separate from my life story, the narratives I tell myself about me.

spiritual teachings teach that Self-realisation is realising who your true Self is, the Beingness, the still, ever-present Consciousness. I tried to be cautious and honest, as whilst i had glimpses of it, and intellectual knowledge, the experiential certainty wasn't there yet and the narrative-train was something i still had difficulty dis-identifying. with the disclaimer that anything is possible and i might lose this state of certainty, i will cautiously suggest that i may have realised my essential Self.


i was uncertain about writing this because i wanted to let it settle for at least a few days to see whether this state of self-realisation was permanent, but then i thought that i might forget or get lazy or hazy about the details and experience.

its not that there are no thoughts, no narratives, no emotions, no unhappiness still there. they are there, but one doesn't identify, or quickly stops identifying with them. they are recognized as thoughts happening in the place of the essential Consciousness, the real, very ordinary, natural Self that you know to be who you are.
Leave a comment
the term mind control normally conjures up images of indoctrination, brainwashing, zombified cia mkultra assassins or those trapped in cults. these are surely forms of mind control, yet if one looks at the term itself, it points to a much simpler definition.

mind control simply means, control by the mind.

and what is the mind? the agglomeration of thoughts, beliefs, narratives, concepts, assumptions, emotions, reactions, psychological formations people carry around in their heads.

as long as one is identified and run by the train of mental-emotional forms running through their mind, they are under mind control. to be free of the mind, to be in control of the mind rather than the mind being in control, one has to step out of the mind, transcend the mind, so that the mind is not the master but the servant.

with that definition, nearly everyone bar the few mystics and self-realised individuals are under some form of mind control. the rest is a matter of degree.

as long as your degree and type of mind control is more or less normalized, you are considered 'sane' and socially-adjusted. if your mind control leads you to being excessively dysfunctional or destructive, they either put you into a prison or a mental hospital.

to be controlled by the mind cuts a person off their natural, spontaneous Being-ness. babies and children that grow up in a relatively healthy environment possess and exhibit that fullness of Being in its sweetness, innocence and spontaneity until they reach adolescence in which the mind becomes developed and dominant. as the mind takes control, the individual is cut off their Being-ness more and more all the way into adulthood. in my observation, very few adults ever transcend the mind and regain the sweetness of Being that they once possessed.

the path of spirituality and self-realisation is to mature and grow out from mind control; not a return to childhood naivety, but a maturation and transcendence of the mind so that Being can more fully and perfectly express itself


Being vs Mind Control = Love vs Fear

Being-ness is full of love, sweetness and innocence. this is self-evident when one observes young children and babies when they are not throwing tantrums. Love accepts, surrenders, expands, encapsculates. It absorbs the fullness of reality, gives its undivided attention and only in that state can one be full of life, be fully alive.

Mind control is essentially comprised of fear. Fear is fundamentally a rejection, a contraction, a state of tension. if one observes those who experience fear (including their own selves!), one can see that there is a contraction in the body, the mind and the soul. the problem with mind it cuts the wholeness and fullness of reality into dead, conceptual pieces, and when one is controlled by the mind, then one inhabits a dead, conceptual reality. Reality is thus contracted to a conceptual knowledge, automatically rejecting the rest

the more one lives in Being, the more loving one is; and the more one is mind-controlled, the more fearful one is


extreme examples of mind control are what mainstream society defines as examples of mind control because 'mainstream' mind control is so normalised that it is not recognized as a pathology.

examples include:

-CIA MK-ULTRA assassins - whereby the victims of mind control are subject to incredible trauma and abuse, forcing the individual to dissociate and split their consciousness into multiple personalities that are programmable and controllable by the handler. the trauma and pain inflicted is so enormous that the mind splits itself in order to handle the situation, creating a personality that can be imprinted by the commands and patterns the handler so desires to input and cutting the individual off his Beingness.

in this extreme state of dissociation, maximal separation from Being is induced and the individual entirely controlled by his mind - and his mind controlled by the commands of his handler

-religious/cultish fanatics or extremists - that become so enamoured, so obssesed, so beholden to a concept that they perceive reality utterly through those conceptual lenses and become cut off from the rest of reality. the concept so dominates their attention, so deadens their reality, that they conceptually 'kill off' those who don't buy into their conceptual reality. and when conceptually kills off another person, it is only a short step towards killing them off in reality. and so, many have slaughtered in the name of religion, because the conceptual framework of religion so dominated their consciousness that they could not sense the Being in another that was excluded from their version of reality

(to digress, my observations have found that there are children growing up in healthy environments that seem cut off from their Being at a very early age, and also children that managed to keep in contact with their Being even in very dysfunctional environments. my hypothesis is that the development of the individual soul plays an enormous role in the personality's contact with their Beingness, and advanced souls will usually retain, at least partially, the qualities of Being (compassion and humanity) even under heavy mind control. the advancement of the soul ensures that some level of Beingness is always connected no matter how bad the circumstances are.)


normal states of mind control - mainstream, normalised, socially acceptable forms of mind control

almost everyone can observe and reflect times whereby mind control took over their personality, cut them off their Beingness, and made them lose empathy and become much more capable of hurting another.

a most relatable and literal example of mind control is that of being self-conscious. when one is self-conscious, they are ruminating over their self-image and how others will perceive their self-image. this state of self-consciousness has the effect of making one tense, withdrawn, nervous, and uneasy. compare that with the spontaneous, carefree nature of a child that has not learned to think of himself as a mind object to be judged and evaluated by others. a self-conscious individual cannot be natural because he is cut off from his Beingness.

does anyone desire to be self-conscious? i have not known of such a person. on the contrary, most people wish to be free of the self-consciousness, and longingly look and envy those who are able to be natural, spontaneous, confident. of course, confidence comes from a (relative) lack of a self-consciousness. if no one wishes to be self-conscious, and yet because of the control their mind has on them, they are self-conscious, is it refutable that they are literally under mind control?

when one is aware that they are under mind control, the mind loses some of its control. the most common and pernicious forms of mind control are those where the victim is not even aware that they are under mind control. tell a religious extremist that he is under mind control of his religion and he will dismiss you, with passages from his holy book or the end of an axe. mainstream society is obviously subject to many forms of mind control that they don't realise, that they take for granted to be the fundamental truths of reality in an identical way to how religious extremist takes their holy books to be fundamental truths of reality.

one calls them social norms, traditions, culture, duties, responsibilities but ultimately, they are concepts of the mind. there is nothing wrong with concepts unless one is controlled by them, so much that they cut themselves off their state of Being. and of course, when one is cut off from their state of Being, suffering ensues.

why is empty consumerism empty? the emptiness comes because one is separated from their state of Beingness - the only place where fullness can come from. why is it linked to consumerism? because consumerism is the attempt to consume to fill up, to full-fill what is empty.

the desire for love is probably the most prominent one, being even greater than that of money. for guys, money might be more important than love because guys are generally even more cut off from their Being, being much more cooped up in their minds. girls are generally more in touch with their feelings and thus recognize the primacy of love over money. on balance, guys seem to be 60-40 or somewhere in that region with regards to love-money, whereas girls are more towards 20-80 (my estimates could be wayyyyyyyy off)

why is there such a desire for love? because when one is in love, one feels like they can let go of their minds and be free of mind control. in love, where both parties unconditionally accept the other, the individual can finally let go of their self-image and just be. of course, reality is often different and after a brief honeymoon period, the minds of both parties often become reactivated and the unconditional acceptance and along with it the freedom from mind control is gone.

good friends are a much more reliable and less painful source of 'Beingness' (unless one finds a very good partner). when one is around good friends, they can let go of their self-image and be themselves more or less, which is why people enjoy the company of their friends. they can relax, let go, and the friend provides a locus for their attention to focus on instead of the ruminations of the mind. playing a sport, playing a game, having a conversation - these are activities where the mind is taken off its problem-making state and the individual is just being themselves. in those moments, one feels relaxed, fulfilled, alive, meaningful, content, at peace. these moments feel so natural that one doesn't notice it until they come out of it. it feels so natural because it is the natural state of Being-ness.

i see and have seen the tragedy mind control inflicts on my peers. mind control has a dulling, deadening effect, the life and spontaneity sucked out of them. there is a stiffness, a hesitation in their movements, an uncertainty, an unnatural withdrawn-ness. it is as if they live on an automatic, mind-generated script society has generated from them, in a continuous state of tension and contracted punctuated briefly by episodes of pleasure and contentment, rather than from the fullness of their Being.

and they are the lucky ones.

Leave a comment
in recent days, i have been able to experience for temporary periods, a state of being that feels like my essence and what Eckhart Tolle described as Beingness. it is of such depth that it is beyond the world, untouchable by any permutation of life experience, made of pure peace and contentment

it truly gives no fucks; no problems can touch it, no mental content matters, and everything material is so superficial it barely matters. it surely is a new experience as far as i can remember; perhaps i have felt it before, but in such brief glimpses or low intensity or so far back in time that memory cannot find it. it doesn't care, it simply is, and is full in of itself

without access to it, one is easily frazzled, buffetted by the vicissitudes of fate (I LOVE THIS PHRASE), pulled and pushed here and there by this and that. rooted in it, one is imperturbable, untouchable and unaffected by whatever life happenstances good or bad.

perhaps because its nature seems so content with itself and its position so deep within, it doesn't care to assert itself; it is easily obscured by mental content, and one has to dig deep clearing out a path through the mental debris to reach it. in its eyes, the king and the beggar are truly equal - equally irelevant.

out of beingness, one desires to get back into it; within beingness, it doesn't care whether or not one drops out of it.

Being truly gives no fucks; not because it is a rebellious, wannabe-edgy sort, but because it is so utterly content and absorbed with itself, happy to just be, that everything else feels so pitifully unimportant in comparison
Leave a comment