love is great, today whenever i felt bad or uneasy i just tried to love it and it became something like a sorta "happy" uneasiness. like when you do something really strenuous but fun, the pain is a sorta "happy" pain, and it worked something like that. when i love all the boredom and uneasiness suddenly i start to...feel good? or at least feel better. when i don't feel unhappy and deliberately love what's happening, i feel positive and happy

i wouldn't mind if everyday was like today, but i know everyday can be even better and happier and even more fun that today (: 1!!!!

for nearly the whole day of today life felt like it seems the way it should be. happy, no stress, talking to people, feeling friendly to everyone, laughing, joking, pushing people around, making people laugh, looking at pretty girls, learning, creating the life you want (but first you got to know hwo to do it first) my mind was still there being annoying but its effect was kind of negligible or not enough to dislodge my happiness.

oh yea, today the bus was crowded and there was this empty space that no one wanted to seat so i swung on the bus pole and the side of the windows to get to the empty spot just behind the ezlink counter. then i stood there and felt a bit hesitant and self-conscious of jumping onto the empty seat in front of me. I stood there and loved the feeling and tried to recapture the feeling where the world is a playground with everyone like other kids playing it with me and then it came and it became easy to jump over attracting everyone's attention and making lotsa girlies smile

when i write it, i realise its like an incredible change. Like two years ago the thought of doing that would probably never even have crossed my mind, my mind would already be so rigid and blocked up  that this kind of ideas and options wouldn't even appear. okay wait, actually i was already starting to open my mind up two years ago...make that 3 years ago then. 1 year ago i'd have thought and fantasized of doing it but probably wouldn't have dared to do it. now that i've done it, the next time is going to be a lot easier.

morning i did my cool shit and listened to music which helped me create the emotion to create my world. got to school and laughed quite a bit during all the lessons and when i didn't want to listen i just spent my time sending out love and creating my world. had a 2 hour break and had 1 hour of great fun playing volleyball with the arts people plus POON. after school i hung out with joseph and tried to press his buttons by challenging him to let god blow this piece of paper that the wind had blown away as well as shouting 'LIGHT UP SUCKS" but awww the wire was cut off and the button didn't work. then i talked to my junior class; girls, i love talking to girls, guys are great to talk to too but their energy is different, like masculine, brotherly and its nice to have a different kind of energy, softer, feminine, gentle. xian jie asked me to help him check on the soccer ball which i did and ended up having a good time at court playing with everyone, got on the bus, tired and happy and loved more and listened to music and started to create my world again got off the bus bought and drank a lovely banana milkshake and then here iam blogging. oh yea, and looked at pretty girls throughout the entire day and getting people to admire my great and sexy fringe which i cut myself.

reminding myself that life it always as it is. You never need to change your environment, the things you do, its not what happens that matters. Its ALWAYS what you feel about what happens.

Life never sucks, its always as it is. Its your feeling that it sucks. Playing court can be one of the most joyful, beautiful experiences or a way to get pissed-up, angry and feeling terrible. A day with little activity can be painful aching boredom or a calm and happy afternoon.

It's a big deal to make this distinction because when you realise its not life that sucks but what you feel that sucks, you're really getting to the source of your unhappiness. Changing what happens won't work, not permanently anyway. I sometimes forget this and need to remind myself continually until it becomes an automatic realisation everytime i'm not feeling good.

today was nearly the same as yesterday; except i jumped off about 2.5 metres today, about 30 cm more than my previous height of 2.2. But anyway, didn't feel like playing court, had a mental-emotional pattern that sounds like "oh gosh, yet another day with nothing to do, boredom ring ring ring-sluggish"

but there was a big difference in how i felt. Yesterday felt stifling and mildly miserable and sieeen. Today i didn't feel fantastic but it was positive. not resenting life or the inactivity. a kind of bearable satisfaction. what i did differently today was that i tried to love my feelings, circumstances, expectations, anything that annoyed me and anything that didn't. I did my best to just love sitting there on the class bench with nothing to do looking at the world, and suddenly i just felt "fuck this, let's go home...maybe?" It's okay to..go home? do nothing? and still feel damn good? I allowed myself to experience that possibility. i went beyond the hidden assumption that going home = no fun=boredom - shitty feeling.

(was it yesterday? or two dasy ago?) that something in me snapped, and i decided to screw that self-doubt filter. The noise it made just suddenly went down a lot, not ocmpletely gone but it suddenly just wasn't that annoying, influential and regular anymore.

on ths way home met weijie who mentioned that he spontaneously talked to junning this girl on our 67 bus. he said this time, he didn't overthink- analyze, project, imagine what it'll bne like to talk to her. There wasn't any planning or mental rehearsal. It was just natural, spontaneous, so it turned out fine. Law of attraction maybe? He said yea he visualized it last time but had forgotten about it and was no longer attached to it. "that's why it came, you finally let go and allowed it to come" suddenly i realised that was my answer to an issue i have in my life now.

anyway, its great that the self-doubt filter just snapped; like suddenly it was far easier to be myself without discusiing to myself"hey am i being myelf, am i trying to be different, blahblahblah" like so much of the self-doubts and anxieties just went away, the blockage exploded and myself could flow through however the way i wanted to be. I can swagger if i want, i can throw money at you if i want (i threw ten cents at xing yun, and then another ten cents at michael today), i can believe what i want. Like i got a bigger, more powerful license to go crazy and do whatever i want.

the self-doubt filter was always weakening but this was a sudden significant errr what is the word, crushinng of it/whatever and its awesome to be able to really feel and believe that you can be whoever you want to be and suddenly it just felt like people's opinions aren't going to be negative, a lot of it is going to be positive!!! I had a few insults come my way and my responses to them were different too. In the past i'd keep quiet and just feel that discomfort but this time there wasn't that much discomfort to begin with and i was free to shoot witty comebacks at them if they flowed. it might sound daft in writing cause i might not be able to communicate the tone and mood all that well but here goesss

iype"oh ya, you never brush teeth, better not eat ice cream later your teeth all rot"

response" a look of "okay..." and just silence, not really minding what he said'

I purposely burped at justin and asked if he could smell my breakfast which smelled of black pepper chicken.

yiyi"no need junnies don't let us smell your eighteen years of rotting food"

response"nods in a "whatever" manner, yea, yea, okay, okay"

discussion in groups of my future career

bjorn"you're goin to end up cleaning shit"

response,"yea and i'm gonna earn a million dollars an hour doing that. oh i'll hire the two of you in my company, 1 dollar an hour is that okay?"

history lecture, we talking about the dalits who basically clean up shit. My shit-in-the-bush incident provokes classmates to guffaw and make gestures towards me

response,"yes, and you'll be cleaning my shit"

i got the bigger piece of kfc chicken again because i sent love. Hehe. I also got free earphones from jingyu cause the old ones spoilt. Love, attraction wheeeweeet

why am i tired today and yesterday ): i slept for like 6-7+ hours if you count afternoon naps so there shouldn't be a problem.

there was a scholarship talk today and the people made it sound reallly coool and interesting but i got really turned off at the idea of a 6 year-bond, hell i get turned off even by a 1 year-bond. A 6 year-bond basically means you're stuck in the same organisation havin your life regimented and restricted to it (you have choices within those limits...of course...choices which you pray to be good but...that's not your choice) for 10 whole years if you include a 4 year university. That's ten years of your life, and in return all you get is a secure job with mediocre pay and free education.

I don't want to be bonded, i want freedom, lots of it, freedom to do whatever i want. 1 year is a lot of time i think i can achieve loads and loads and LOADS in that 1 year and earn a lot more than 2-4k a month, anyone who thinks they are ready to commit are kidding themselves. You're eighteen years old and you think you know what to do with your life in the next ten years? you're sure you won't come across even mmore aweseom beautiful opportunities than those that a scholarship gives you?

No money to go for a university education? God, then work. Hell work first. or borrow money. from edward/ whatever. You don't need to go university straight away! Unless you've already taken that for granted, you've already bought into society's lie. Oh forget what i said, just sign on for any scholarship that looks the most promising. Many robots are in it with you.

i tried something new today. I wrote down some of my philosophy in a notebook i found and wrote down "love is a more intense form of acceptance" so rather than accepting it when shit comes, i love it. I love shit. I do my best to love it. Awkward hand postures, buttons pressed, a shiver of threat chills my spine and i love it. bored out of my fucking mind after school and tried to love it. court? No. i don't feel like playing it. I'm not going to distract myself with it. Fuck court. Not going to pretend i want to play it. I feel fucking bored and i'm goin to love this shitty crummy feeling, not run away from it.

It was raining rather heavily today and as i walked on the bridge i realised people were going to go into a fucking panic at how to get to school dry. I laughed to myself. Where are the romantics who go "LET'S DANCE IN THE RAIN" HAHAAHAHA. Talk about dancing in the rain when you're sitting at home all dry and sheltered. Now the rain is here, you fucking all panic and scramble. A smile, i saunter through the rain, arms spread apart, loving the rain spray into my hair, my face, my clothes, my arms, It was beautiful.

When i'm at home all alone, i like to scream 'SHUT THE FUCK UP" when my mind rambles on about something. "Oh, i should have reacted thisway, i didnt' react that way, i'm improving SHUT THE FUCK UP! this girl can be my girlfriend SHUT UP i didn't talk to a pretty girl, shows that i can be myself and talk to girls SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I dont' do that in shcool, i just laugh in school. But i like shouting more.

during GP today the gp teacher ouyang talked about crazy people and i pointed towards the entire class and went"yea, all of them are crazy". everybody laughed.

today suddenly my right jaw clicked in a very different manner; not solid and clunky like usualy, but like...the bones felt dislodged and a lot looser, the clicks sounded more like loose bones rubbing over one another. Ahh, i knew finally a big chunk of the tension in my jaw had loosened. A few hours later i remembered about this and tried to click my jaw and the click was a lot less loud and obvious, meaning the jaw is more into its proper alignment.

i just felt like i ought to trust myself a lot more. Stop fucking doubting myself, trying to be moderate, balanced, to stay in touch  with the rest of the world. Stop it. Screw the world. just believe in myself and the world will change to fit me. all objectivity is merely a mass of probabilities

"don't you prize your individuality? your uniqueness?"

fuck no, i'm a conformist and i love it. its a beautiful thing.

the past two days i keep laughing at the sticks we build our lives on

i'm feeling like how tyler felt when he let the boss of the basement beat him up and he kept laughing and laughing and laughing, insane like a madmen, but you can't break him ever. HAHAHAHAHA.

feeling insecure at a comment HAHAHAAHAH
FEELING INSECURE AT POSTING SOMETHING HAHAHAHAHAA
feeling different when a pretty girl walks by HAHAHAHAHA

its all fucking pathetic and all fucking stupid. sticks for bricks, lives purposeless slash it thrust through the heart and bawl with laughter

i see it. i see the subtle way you try to protect your ego. I see the subtle way you try to boost your self-image, your identity. I see it. Its fucking clear to me cause i've been there, i know what its like, i suffer from the same damn thing so it won't escape however subtle of a game you know how to play. fuck man, my mind's been playing the same damn game for eighteen years. i know it inside out, the rules, the strategies,.

I laugh at the mice caught/trapped in their own mouseholes, squeaking, flailing, lost in their instincts borne from the culture, they choke and drown, terror drooping on their eyelids, the awkward, rigid hand movements, tightened jaw, stutter in the step, attempted swagger.

God.

insane laughter at insanity [its ironic that sanity looks like insanity] sane people want to be themselves, be free, to have fun, to jump up buildings down bridges slam on tables loudly show off; all of it the insane world calls insane. only the sane knows it. only the sane knows. only the sane knows.

the one i laugh at the most is myself, at home, in school, on the bus, everywhere because insanity is with me, in me and the escape continues

one reason why klaus joehle's and eckhart tolle's books were so good was because they were very real. most books out there only give you the polished, refined, positive version of whatever. especially self-help books. they don't mention or only mention in passing that you're going to have sucky days, that its going to take a bit of time before change comes, when you're on a high, you're going to smile at the lows thinking they could never touch you, but when you're in the lows, the high seem but a fleeting memory

i dropped into some lows today, but there was a different response to it this time. rather than going "sigh i'm just goin to have to accept it and feel it", i realised "what the fuck hahaha i can feel high one second and feel like shit now?? what the fuck hahaah" and then it reminds me its not life that sucks but my feelings that paint and make life seem suckish. sometimes i'll see the ego and see how it turns life into such misery and i realise how ridiculous it is i can't help but laugh in a sorta insane, knowing way, the kind of laugh you feel like doing when you hear two people forcing a really bad conversation. if i hear people laugh like that i'll probably be able to recognize what and why they're laughing but i understand thato ther people might think i'm crazy

definitely helps when you know everyone is experiencing the same thing rather than the one-sided version others like to present, and then klaus joehle and eckhart tolle urges and eggs you on to persist, to keep going, to accept your self-doubts but not to let them control your actions.

hehe i like my way of exercising, i don't really go all out to exercise, i'm really trying to learn and do new stunts that require a lot of strength, and without really trying i realise my arms got a lot stronger wheeeehehehehehe

there are some cool stuff that keeps me going. the question of whether you deluding yourself or not  always pops up. if someone said he saw an angel, how do you decide its its a hallucination or not? if you saw an angel, is it real or is it just your imagination? If everyone else can't see it but you, are you the one hallucinating? but people hallucinate everyday, they pretend not to see things, they see things that aren't there. how many anecdotal reports of UFO sightings does it take to conclude whether they're all a scam or whether they really exist?

I love this quote from klaus joehle's book

"There is no way to prove to you that i am real and that you are not crazy. Everything can be considered a fragment of  your imagination.; it's not for me to do it for you, but for you to trust yourself for in that lies a great achievement."

students are pawns of their parents who are the pawns of their parents who are the pawns of their employers who are the pawns of their employers who are the pawns of their relatives, peers, family who are the pawns of the culture which is the pawn of the employers which is the pawns of the...

i like this scene in fight club when tyler tells the other guy to stop trying to control the car, to let the car run its own course. that scene was beautiful. "stop trying to control everything, why can't you just let go" and then the car crashes- beautiful. why don't you stop trying to control your life, stop trying to force things happen, stop trying to find that ideal university. you'll just wind up being fearfully alive, just like everyone else.

its not about goin fuck scholarships, fuck money, money is a beautiful thing. scholarships are beautiful too. they're all beautiful in their own way. its when you try controlling them, you let them control you, that's when you're fucked. stop trying to control your image, your identity, your morals, your values,cause everytime you try to control something you end up being controlled by it.

the clearer i get, the more i see the dysfunction and the beauty of this world. my mom screams and attacks my father for praying to his chinese deities, claiming that its all illogical hogwash and when i tell her atheists think the same way about christians, she rambles "whatlalala, god teaches you how to live, to be righteous, to be just, wahalsoloal" a few years back i'd have thought this behavior was normal, but increasingly i'm feeling that its really like...a crazy person, just that a crazy person is like that on a more intense and frequent basis.

i play court and see so many people get so upset when they lose, they make mistakes, when matches go to long, and all that hostility and negativity spreads and infects the entire team; everyone becomes panicky, nervous, afraid to be fingerpointed.

but the world is also more beautiful now. i played court with a feisty enthusiasm and swaggering playfulness. i love to walk the ball like i walk my dog even though i have no dog cause it makes me look like i'm in control, i'm calm and i'm the man, and my opponents are all kids unworthy of any exertion of effort. I love to ask the keeper to pass to me, wait for the striker to close me down, then pass it back. then when the striker retreats, i get the keeper to pass it back again and repeat the whole process but right now people don't seem to like doing that much it'll take some time before i get more people to cooperate with me (: . Oh and when i do that, i love to mock the opponents"let him run to me, thas right, tire him, pass back again quick, woohoo, come and get the ball"

i saw aran smile after scoring a beautiful goal for the first time SINCE AGES at court LOL normally he doesn't show any hint of happiness except for  nonchalant look of 'i do that for breakfast", and it made me happy and i couldn't resist mocking"wah siao, first time aran smile when he score sia"

i see the dysfunction more clearly, but because i see it as a dysfunction and abnormality, it doesn't become ugly. the world is only ugly when you mistake the dysfunction for being the natural, original state. when you can see its the dysfunction acting out in people, and not the people being bad people, people seem less ugly and more beautiful. like if all you see is the anger in a person, you reduce him to an angry person but if you see that it is the anger in him, you see that he is a person that gets angry sometimes. its a big difference, the difference between saying someone is bad, and saying someone did things that i perceived to be bad.

after reading and practising sending love, its been getting easier and easier to like people. I used to perceive people as just judgements and opinions, so my interactions were usually hindered and impaired by unconscious or conscious attempts to match up well to their judgements and opinions until i knew them enough for the attempts to drop off. its a radical shift; now i perceive people like how you'd...perceive your friends? If i put that i perceive them as humans, i don't know how many people will really get what i mean because i don't know how many people share the same experience as me. i think the best way of putting across my perception of people now, is that i perceive that almost exactly as i perceive friends. friends already accept you to some degree and you know them somewhat to be able to feel their vulnerability, their concerns, their experience of the world that you haven't yet been able to for strangers.

i imagine a future me to perceive my present me with a feeling of sympathy just like how i perceive my past me with sympathy; seeing how i was trapped then and relishing the freedom i have now; and yet i am still trapped, in some ways i am aware or still unaware of.

the point of life is not to be enlightened but to enjoy and experience life. but if you're enlightened(smarter, more intelligent), life is a hell lot more enjoyable

previously i lived my life whereby i tried to enjoy everything that was in my life at the present moment. the mundane bus ride, the walk to school, sitting on a toilet bowl waiting for shit to fall out. I stopped myself from fantasizing, thinking that it was part of the ego's attempts to distract itself from the present which is a form of resistance.

after reading klaus joehle's books which teach you to experience whatever you want to experience in your mind, with your imagination, and appreciating that its there, i realised that attempting to not fantasize even when you bored out of your mind was just another belief that i didn't even realise was there. Why can't you fantasize and at the same time, not resist whatever situation you're in? We fantasize whenever we masturbate (GIRLS AND GUYS ALIKE OKAY!!) and it makes the entire experience a lot more fun and exciting. We're aware that its a fantasy but we don't become depressed or disappointed when it doesn't really happen in real-life. the experience itself justifies it.

so now whenver i feel like it or whenever i have nothing to do, i just like to fantasize having things, doing things, enjoying things that i like. and you know what? its fun, it makes me happy, and it accelerates the process of the outer reality reflecting whatever i fantasize. I imagined in my mind and experienced what it would feel like to score straight As for a levels without working hard and a lotta other things and some of it began to reflect in my reality. I got back one of my lit essays and got 30/50, the highest mark i've gotten for lit for a long while and the funny thing was that i didn't even think or feel i had written as well as all my other previous attempts when i finished the whole exam. But this time, part of me believed that i could get a really high mark even if i wrote the same standard as i did. I reread what i wrote and realised that actually i did write slightly clearer and better than my previous attempts although i certainly didn't feel that way when i just finished the exam! it's not a straight As for a level of course, but its a sign of things to come. A real sign.

I've began to destroy some of my old, limiting beliefs just by imaginin and experiencing things which the old belief previously held back. like i realised i had a belief that i had to pay to get money, or work to get money and i imagined myself getting lots and lots of money without having to do anything, just letting it flow all to me. I'm not even getting paid for doing something i liek to do, i'm getting paid for not doing anything! your parents give you money without you doing any work for them, rich nations donate to poor ones, people pick up money from the floor. Why can't that happen to me at a more intense and frequent rate!?

even if you think this "your reality is your beliefs" thing is just new age fluff and doesn't work...that's fine. I believe it definitely has an impact on reality but even if it didn't, it makes me happier, makes me less bored, and gives me new experiences. Not experieinces in the physical realm but ones in the mind, but who's to say which is more real, which is more intense, which is more exciting? It IS an experience, perhaps not a physical one but a mental one but all the same it can make you feel happy (((((: and confident ((((: and strong ((((:

coincidences, selective attention, blahblahblah. well okay, then if imagining these things create coincidences and selective attention, then so be it!

OKAY, now i feel that everyone is a lot more, more friendly. its not that they act more friendly but its just cause i suddenly know what they are experiencing, i can feel and perceive them as fellow humans rather than have my perception blocked out by mental associations like pretty/fat/prc/gangster/vulgar/snobbish/elitist/angmoh kind of crap. It's like i can see through all these associations. I said i experienced this before, but after the holidays, the feeling of connectedness and "friendliness" is a lot stronger than before. I feel much mroe comfortable just sitting and talking to a stranger or a recognizable-but not yet acquainted-face. i feel like i can...connect and perceive even my friends and not just strangers on a deeper level. its kind of like having this knowing and feeling that everyone in the world is actually really nice deep down like we all know and seeing and feeling that everywhere you go.

wants versus needs. difference between wants and needs is that when you need something, you fear not having it. wants, you just want it. i have no burning needs now although that may change 5 seconds later, but here is a list of my wants so all of you who love me can give me what i want. everyday i'm born and reborn so you can give me birthday presents everday!

Mad Gear
-I want size 8 and a 1/2 heelies, SHOES WITH WHEELS
-i want a cool jacket with a very cool hood on it. so i can hood it over myself HEHEHE (i think hoods are cool)

Mad stunts
-i want to jump down from the second storey which i estimate to be abt 3.5 metres. I can comfortably jump from 2 metres but 1.5 metres is still a big difference to make up
-perfect front handspring (I DO ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A CARTWHEEL NOW), Aerial(CARTWHEEL WITH NO HANDS!), backflip, front flip, boomerang kick, do the L-seat on my fingertips for 1 minute

Mad people
-i want 3/4/5/6/7 pretty and beautiful concubine/girlfriends!
-i want an increedbile circle of extremely unique and complementary awesome friends
-someone who pays me a lot for doing something i love to do (jumping around!?!?) maybe i can be a stuntman, a handsome one yea!

Mad abiltiies
-superhuman eyesight
-beautiful color-changing eyes
-handstand and all my cool shit that i haven't got a name for

i only put those which i think i can achieve within the next...i don';t know 2 years?????!!! mmmhhmm, if i were to extend it to ten years, i would want to jump down from the 5th storey and a lot more cool stuff which will be too long to write!

today i was spraying my love through my eyes whenever i remembered, and one of those times was when i was at the kfc counter...and i ot a bigass piece of chicken, like 50% bigger than normal!!! ohter times i've used it was when there was this baby crying at night and i just sent love and then it shut up after 2 minutes

went to school and playeeed socceer aand then went to watch transformers which i thought was pretty effing good. there wasn't much of a plot or touching moments and the dialogue was quite cruddy at times but the ACTION  was amazing EXPLOSION BOOM BOOM. as the great legod once said, as long as you enjoy it, its a good show, who gives a shiat about the plot or acting. megan fox was okayyyyyy, i can see why she's hot but somehow i didn't really get blown away or mesmerised by her...erika toda in death note was better(: and i had to call out "idiots" when jing yu was trying to be an orgasmic school boy and weijie was like "wahha damn chioo ah" cause they were like...making us look like orgasmic idiots(which is fine if i felt that way but i didn't)

there was one really touching moment when the father who could easily let his son go away for college in contrast to the mom found it hard to free him from his own protection when they were in danger (in contrast to the mom) i felt it was really well done. that's bout it for emotional effect though.

thought the humans were gnna be useless esp after they were useless at the start of the movie in stopping the decepticon and then letting the decepticons free-frag megatron and the allspark but in the climatic battle i was like WOW THE HUMANS ARE PRETTY FUCKING GOOD when their weapons and shit actually destroeyd many decepticons especially the awesome carpet airbombing.

wow after the movie was over i felt like i'd just gone to a different reality (weijie said he nowfelt vehicles like the motorcycle could transform lol) i heard some people ddin't like it at all...i don't know man, maybe they didnt send lovee to the movie frist like i did hehehe. somewhere in a parallel universe, the transformers exist. as long as our imagination can play it out, it exists, somewhere.

-kies i just discovered and reached yet another new source of fun reading, its this guy called klaus joehle who talks and teaches about using the power of love to work miracles in your life. by power of love, it isn't the cliche conventional thing of doing nice or caring things, its REALLY USING the love energy you have in your heart chakra that you have an infinite supply of and can open and send it to anything, anyone, anywhere. as usual everyone is just going to not google him and just read my interesting posts but here i condensed all the instructions already!!!

to use it you just imagine a valve in your heart open and then it contains an abundance of REAL TANGIBLE LOVE energy that you can send to your food to make it taste better, send to people, to places, to situation to make things more loving and better, to your animals, plants, your eyes, legs, back mathworksheet, chemistry textbook WUTEVAR

-most people who call themselves skeptics just use it to cover up their conformism. as i begin to read more and more mysctical stuff(hang on i'm sure there was a c somewhere in the mystical is it mysctical or mycstical...both look wrong mcystical?..."i realise there's a part of me that keeps going "no, this is too outrageous, or sounds just like sci-fi" which is not really being skeptical but just downright trying to protect the previous reality bubble i'm in. skepticism would probably be like, hmm that sounds pretty cool but there's no proof of that so i won't judge or conclude anything

though of course, its impossible to know anything for certain (:, all you ever can have is your own model of reality(reality bubble) that you hope to fit reality as well as possible

-michael owen may be going to manchester united!!! i always wanted rafa to buy back owen and fowler so that there would be a three-pronged gerrard-owen-fowler KOP COMBO but it never materialised. owen was the first soccer player that was closest to being my idol, i always remember how incredible he was to score 2 goals in the last ten minutes against arsenal in the fa cup to pull liverpool to victory after being 0-1 down and getting owned by arsenal for 90% of the game. he just singlehandedly whopped arsenal's ass lool

i loved watching owen play, at least when he was at liverpool because he played with a child-like exuberance and when he scored his smile was incredible and innocent like a little boy  think after he left liverpool for real madrid he never had the same passion for football as before and although he played well in madrid he never received the same support and adulation and LOVE he did at liverpool. and i felt kinda sad for him being stuck at newcastle and rotting with injuries and sometimes in my mind i would go "come on rafa, sign owen, bring him back" maybe rafa got pissed cause fowler was disappointing when he came back sigh...

the cool thing about liverpool like 7-8 years back is that we always had a really lethal strikeforce, owen, fowler, heskey, three england strikers but the midfield, defence were never on par with the other big clubs though i liked our goalkeeps dudek and westerveld (: . now our midfield and defence are pretty good but we only have one striker. DIRK KUYT IS A CROSS COUNTRY RUNNER, NOT A FOOTBALLER, ALL HEDOES IS RUN (and he isn't fast somemore, just run a lot only)

-its important to keep reminding yourself of the uncertainty and mystery of this world because tha pattern of dogma needs time to be broken down fully. its easy to quickly trust society rather than yourself because, well, if you trust society you get more approval and acceptance so i like to remind myself and the people around me every now and then that the third most lethal killer in the america is latrogenesis, aka, death by doctor. meaning complications from surgery, sideeffects of pharmaceuticals

"The total number of iatrogenic deaths shown in the following table is 783,936. It is evident that the American medical system is the leading cause of death and injury in the United States. The 2001 heart disease annual death rate is 699,697; the annual cancer death rate, 553,251."-http://www.newmediaexplorer.org/sepp/2003/10/29/medical_system_is_leading_cause_of_death_and_injury_in_us.htm


yep, just something else  to eff your mind up yo! right now my thinking is that pharmaceuticals have their uses and are not necessarily evil but the mass misinformation, disinformation around them and the fact that people buy into them completely causes the whole thing to be a disaster

-ahh about block tests...its lost its seriousness and importance already so (:...i started studying for it really early actually, like in the first week of june and out of the 5-6 hours i was in school i spent about 2 hours on studying, sometimes less, sometimes more, but always only when i felt like it. actually i never felt like it, but there were just times where i just had nothing to do and studying wasn't such an unpleasant experience so i did it. maybe if i studied more and harder i could've done better but i don't care i don't care.

i'm not going to say screw a levels, i'm just going to say screw everything i'm goin to do what i feel like doing and if i feel like rocking it, i'll be rocking it whatever that means

-i don't condemn rape or war or murder or bitching (LOOOL). in all seriousness, i might do some of that one day, in fact, i might have done all of that in a previous life. i actually love the idea of fighting and i want to learn the art of fighting and really fight with people except i want to take away permanent injuries so any injuries you suffer will go away when you want it to. i think pain and broken bones are a necessary part of the beauty and experience of fighting but the issue about permanently injuring yourself puts me off. i think i want to have the experience of fightingi n a war too, i love dreams when its about war but i'll probably hate all the torture.

ii can imagine that in the medieval or cavemen times, rape probably wasn't a big deal. i don't see myself doing it anytime soon because the emotional pain involved puts me off (but dreams are a different story). i think a lot of so-called "sins" are created and sustained by society and people buy into it and continue to perpetuate it, but they mistakenly think that its their set of morals when in fact its just a creation of their culture. For instance i know a lot of people who feel that publid displays of affection are disgusting but if they carried their attitude into the united states they would have to live in disgust most of the time.

people slam drugs as bad, all bad. the government says marijuana is bad so everyone thinks marijuana is bad, although some european countries and american states acknowledge its medical benefits and downfuckingright harmlessness of it. when you compare amsterdam who serve two pots, one for coffee, the other for highness and you contrast that to singapore's insanely draconian drug laws and then you contrast it to singapore's relative benevolence for the tobacco industry its just absurd. i have a secret theory that sg is so harsh on drugs moreso to restrict the income of secret societies in singapore rather than to protect the population.

if you think people who dont condemn rape, war and murder are cold-blooded and heartless, consider that in a world of mother theresa's, you would be considered heartless and cold-blooded. how can you live peacefully in comfort of your houses knowing full well the poverty in singapore, the peope without homes, the beggars, the orphans, the disabled buskers!?!? any person with decent morals would ensure they have proper places to live in and food to eat!!! that would be the world of mother theresa and you wouldn't be able to live up to it, although you'd probably adapt into the culture and act out what is necessary to gain approval


-christianity, atheism, hinduism, buddhism, religion. to some people, that's their reality. to me, its a model of reality people choose buy into, believe and live by. my model of reality is agnosticism, which means NO FUCKING IDEA . yep,i got no idea how to live my life which can be either scary or wonderfully exciting.

-the word practical is used wrongly. what most people mean when they say "practical" is that they are being practical about their survival. and please don't buy into the government's love of sculpting itself as a "pragmatic and practical" government in order to justify its policies and laws. it was so practical with our TAXPAYER'S NOT GOVERNMENT money that it lost hundreds of millions in overseas investments. its attempts to entrench and secure its power in the country justifies its "practical and pragmatic" policies of killing off free speech (and as a consequence, independent or at least, skeptical thinking). by being myself, i'm also being practical, but i'm being practical about my happiness and not my survival

-actually i have a strong, very strong feeling that pap is going to fail at the next elections because in recent years its mistakes and  failures have been embarassing. temasek holding investment, mas selemat escape, rise in government salary and the awful, plain awful and disgusting way the pap was sucking their own dicks with the straits times videotaping the entire orgy when malaysia caught mas selemat. i don't think people are going to protest outright but protesting throughtheir votes isn't that difficult even in this political atmospFEAR

also, a new generation of voters who know how to use the internet and become aware of the sg govt flaws are also coming into the scene and there will surely be a much bigger proportionate of votes going for the opposition in this new batch of voters

when i was younger i just accepted the streaming system because everyone seemed to accept it. now i realise its incredibly retarded to judge an individual's capabilities in PRIMARY SCHOOL!? the current system(which judges people based on test scores) isn't much better, but its more of a flaw with the entire world rather than jusst singapore. by the way, my more-critical thinking now as compared to the past is NOT a result of the education system. i became like that cause i got lucky with the internet, played around with some personal development stuff and became like that.

- i want to build or meet a group of like-minded friends, but i'm not going to hunt for it. it's going to come to me with the power of love! i want to experience the kind of friendship in books and movies where everyone in the group has insane chemistry, where everyone is unique in their own way, but compatible and complementary with one another. we'd play and own at dota, stay in street soccer courts until we felt tired and bored of owning everyone, meet up in our dreams and have crazy adventures, live at each other's houses or maybe build a house ourselves and live in it. the group will contract and expend but forever remain a core of love and friendship and smiles and individuality. girls and guys!!!

-i want to design my own car! hopefully i'll get an insane friend who knows how to build a car and then i can customize all the coolshit and then i can paint the whole thing so it looks like a SHARK RAWWFFFFRRR it'll have a huge spacey boot or backseat which i can use as a bed, and will have a mini-fridge and tv and computer CRAZY COOL and it'll have an open top so i can look out and scream and hit on pretty girl drivers.

- i think it'd be lovely to play for liverpool fc, i'll sign for them on a PLAY WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE AND PAY ME WHATEVER YOU WANT contract. there's this theory that says all the knowledge and skills in the world are contained in our dna already so if i can learn how to unlock all the football skills i can dodge all the practices and training. in fact, i think some people are "natural" at football because they already unlock some of this ability, allowing them to learn and improve a lot faster. i think iype and wilson don't really play as much as the other soccer players but they improve faster than most of them. course, there are lotsa factors like confidence and physical strength and experience to factor in but even when i factor in all of that iype and especially wilson seemed to improve faster than people who play more like me and aran. DOESN'T MEAN THEYARE BETTER THOUGH

-i like this font size, its decently big! i think i want to post with this font for the rest of my life!

-i'm going to have mesmerizing green eyes

-i like mr klaus joehle, he speaks to me. his life is pretty fine, he sometimes gets bored, sometimes he just finds he has too much free time in his life. his sense of humour rocks too. he has the same issues as me, he has good friends but not many really like-minded friends (yet!). he accepts that some days it wil be easy and some days it will be harder! but undoubtedly, life is getting better and better!

-i would say i've experienced three life-changing materials at this point of my life. the first one was steve pavlina's article on "the courage to live consciously". it taught me the value of courage and how to build it; you start off by pushing yourself to do the things which you have a 50/;50 fear of and gradually the 10/90 fears become 50/50 fears and you can even accomplish that! in a sense, it taught me to "to heck with the conseuquences, lets just THROWW OURSELVES IN!!" it got me rolling on to the personal development track and expanded what i believed to be possible. the epitome of this period was where i believed and tried to become a liverpool footballer!!! also, i began to explore a lot of other mind stuff. but i also went insane because there was so much resistance inside and outside with the obsession of being a livepool footballer that life became unbearable and i developed an identity of "hahaha i am cooler and more enlightened" some cool things i did during this period was summoning the courage to talk to strangers on the bus which i did succesfully once with nj students

-the second one was the power of now by eckhart tolle! it showed me how humans create their own suffering and how happiness was within oneself! I realised my obsession with becomin a liverpool footballer had made me so miserable and was just an inspiration i had, then propped up artifically with reasons such as proving others wrong, the future "glory and salvation' i would gain when i eventually became it. i saw how that obsession had totally destroyed my football and my enjoyment of it. like i would feel anxious at the mention of football unless it was people praising me. basically it was just crazy!! i dropped the obsession, not because i felt it was unrealistic, but for the entirely different reason of it simply making my life miserable and raealising it wasn't really what i waanted. its strange to say"its not what you really want" when your life seems to be centred around getting it, but on hindsight it truly wasn't what i wanted

it pointed to me that my CONSTANT INVOLUNTARY thinking was a disease. we always think we are the oens thinking our thoughts and creating our emotions but when you can't stop thinking and you can't stop theviolence your emotion forces you to act out, its freaking clear that much of you is involuntary, programmed like a robot

it taught me how to relax, how to deal with fear and pain. after about 1 year of using the power of now, my anxiety subsided a lot and i played with a sort of confidence during the soccer season that i had lost previously. soccer was the clearest manifestation of the help of the power of now, but more significantly, my entire perspective and mindset on life changed; not instantly of course but gradually. i used to live for the future or in the past, centering my life towardss tests, my liverpool footballer obsession, exams etcetra but now i live for ...now, this present moment. as im writing this and you're reading this. this is all there is mate. id you can't be happy now, you're never goin to be happy later.

it just broke up so much of my identity, fears, attachment, a lot of them based and centered around society and culture. block tests np a levels np embarassed yourself np. i didn't need to be that courageous anymore, because courageous means action inspite of fear but the power of now began to dissolve fear so it wasn't really there, rather than me smashing and hurtling through it

my temper improved loads, i felt more at ease with everyone, with life, it makes me feel like evveryone is a friend rather than a stranger, basically its was awesome!! pavlina's article woke me up and prepared me for my journey, but the power of now is the real beginning of the journey

-i've only read karl joehle's material for 3 or 4 days but i'm quite certain its going to be a lifechanging experience. he completely explained a model of how the universe works in a very easy to understand manner so my approach to life is going to tkae a radical shift again. one of it is his explanation and usage of the power of love. i'm probably going to mention a lot of his stuff in my later blog posts!

reading his materials just gives me one epiphany after the other, much like the power of now and the courage article. its just BOOM oh yeah that makes so much sense! and OH YEAH NO WONDER MY LIFE IS LIKE THAT . his material isso human, so alive, not like those polished-up self-help books. for instance, his book might include stuff like "FUCK I DIDN'T CAP THE HONEY BOTTLE AND WHEN I OPENED IT JUST NOW TO MIX IN MY MILK THE HONEY WAS FULL OF ANTS AND THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME"

okies basically the things which differentiate life-changing from...just cool and interesting like most of steve pavlina's other articles or ran prieur's discussions...are that they..change your life? radically changes your perspective towards life and introduces a whole new reality model that you think is actualy within your grasp, that is real. reading them gives you a lot of epiphanies, information which you just KNOW to be true, not really entirely alien concepts that you barely grasp like physics or biology, but stuff that you could understand based on your life experience rather than some other outside source.

-"we're on tv, this is the story" THATS MY MSN NICK and lemme explain it! i always like to imagine myself being in one of those cool taiwanese drama serials where the guy emos on the bus and he looks so cool doing it, or just walking in a damn seh manner in his high school or college. but when you do it in real-life its just not that...cool cause you dont have a tv audience watching you...so its no longer as romantic as you want it to be

but then i thought, hey! this life right now IS the story! and i start feeling that this life right now is a story and suddenly all the act seh and emo stuff feels more and more fun to do. if no one watches you, you can just watch yourself, imagine yourself to be on tv, just pretend and whats the difference between pretending and it being real anyway? often pretence fades into reality and tv shows are actually mere pretences of reality. so hey, WE'RE ON TV, we're in the reality which tv tries to simulate but its simulation can't be more real than the real thing can it? we're on tv,we're our own audiences, and this, here, right now, fucking bored out of your mind reading my stuff, is living your own beautiful and perhaps, miserable story, but even a miserable, boring, mundane, dull life can make for a interesting story(just not a movie...)

its like...hey man, i got this story, and in this story, i'm damn worried about my A levels...and the feelings are real! holy crap! er of course if you're feeling the fear its not that cool but if you're like me detached, seeing it was the story it is, its all fun and games and fairytales. the fairytale of legod!!!

-karl joehle notes that he leaves out a lot of stuff in his books despite him seeming to be extremely open. SEE I TOLD YOU WE WERE SIMILAR. i do that too. by revealing the nastier sides of ourselves, we open ourselves to both greater acceptance, tolerance, as well as criticism and disapproval. which kind of defeats the purpose of a blog really. except, my blog is meant for people to read I WANT PEOPLE TO READ IT YUM YUM YUM !!! i think the most outrageous two things i revealed on the blog is my public shit in the bush and dream rape but there's some basis for err...justification and understanding in both cases. at least there is a sort of expplanation which most people can accept even though they may still have pretty strong responses.

-there are some people who seem to not like clement toh pin yan, presumably because of his weirdness but i can't imagine why else. he's a freaking nice guy, not the kind of "sometimes he's mean, but actually he's a nice guy" kind of wishywashy mild niceness that you can say about everyone, but instead is a singificantly more genuine, consistent, stronger kind of warmth. its like chongtee vs xingyun (LOL). xingyun is the sorta guy who you know "deep-down" is a pretty nice guy, but chong tee is the sorta guy who everyone knows and thinks is freaking nice and friendly.

then there are a lot of people who seem to not like si cheng and i presume its because she's weird. hay man, she's even weirder than me i think, i remember the "erm, my name is si cheng, S-I-C-H-E-N-G" which was frigging hilarious but thats absolutely no basis to dislike or just "despise" or stay away from a person or be disgusted with the person. about 90% of the people i know exhibit at least a mild sense of disapproval towards her and i think i understand why but i don't agree with it. i heard she did a jolin tsai dance for a stranger auntie at a bus and sang jolin tsai songs and THAT IS FREAKING HELL lot more gutsy than anything i've done. most people think its ridiculous and loserish. i think its ridiculous and awesome.

- my transparent indirect attempts to get people to read the stuff i read don't seem to work lol no one comes up and tells me DUDE THAT ARTICLE WAS THE BOMB, or THE BOOK IS DA BOMB oh well ):, maybe its lke how i had the power of now in my personal development folder for like six months and never bothred to look at it and one day when i was ready i radnomly opened it not knowing what it was about and hohohoho it was brilliant

-does my philosophy of believe nothing, explore everything as well as you get what you believe incompatible? nah, they kinda depend on one another. the reason why i believe nothing is because i get what i believe, so what i believe and what i get, may not be the ultimate real thing see. so i can't prove or determine that whatever i get is the ultimate truth so i believe in nothing. but because i believe in nothing, i can also choose to believe in whatever i want to, because believing in everything and anything is the same as believing in nothing. if you believe in nothing you're free to believe in everything. figure that one out

-my idea of an enlightened person: is probably radically different from yours. an enlightened person will proudly tell everyone that he is enlightened. he will get angry if someone says he isn't. he will go "OH REALLY, I'M NOT ENLIGHTENED? I SUPPOSE YOU ARE? WELL FUCK OFF!"

a person that's pretending to be enlightened will quietly sit still, and if people says he isn't enlightened, he will probably go "oh well, i am not" and smile.

an enlightened person is free, free to do whatever the hell he wants, including murder, rape and torture. he is free to boast about himself, free to feel angry, pissed off, upset. he isn't bound by any expectations, inhibitions or restrictions, and if htere is any, he is free to have them. he will go "if i want to be fuckin angry, i'm going to be fucking angry!" but in an instant, he can go"damn, this isn;t fun anymore, now i want to be depressed"

-i remember i was going to eat with bx when he said he was going to eat with the softballers. so i didn't feeel like doing it. minjian who was nearby mocked'HUH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE NO LONGER SOCIALLY CONFORMED? WHY YOU DUN WAN EAT WITH THE SOFTBALLERS" and i sat down and a really big part of me was violently fighting to explain"just because im not socially conformed doesn;t mean i need to do or act in certain ways...etcetra explanation". I watched that part and then went "FUCK THIS, I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN SHIT" and felt shifty and uncomfortable and decided i was just going to WATCH AND FEEL THE FUCKING discomfort...and then it went away.

-okay lets have them comments