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got interested in building a 10/10 physique for myself; naturally the 10/10 physique is subjective but for me, it is bruce lee's physique slightly-less-ripped with a slightly-thicker-chest or brad pitt in fight club. i've always been very lean, leaning towards an ectomorphish build and was very athletic in my early youth. due to my sporting background (football and high jump), i've always had strong legs, and due to an interest in abs, built a very strong core in the past which i have maintained. my main 'weaknesses' have been my upper body and arms which i never really paid much attention to, and my body fat levels which i only got to a satisfactory level for a short period of time when i went on a low-carb diet in junior college (otherwise, it hovered around 10-15% in my estimation).

i started out at a 6/10 towards my goal (which is what i would rate my physique) roughly 1 month ago; strong, good legs, strong core/abs, mediocre chest (some mass due to ippt push-up training carry over), small/weak arms, and a (in my estimation) 15% body fat level whereby my abs were somewhat visible under good lighting condiitons. after 3 weeks-4 weeks of 'work', i am 7.5/10 towards my goal, having lost roughly 2-3% of body fat(+1pt), gained small but significant muscle mass in my arms and chest(0.5pts). the 'missing' points i would roughly allocate as 0.5pt chest, 1.5pt arms, 0.5pt body fat - which would be roughly correct except that the assymetry caused by small arms is tricky to quantify properly numerically and i would not give my physique an 8.5 even if everything else was perfect. anyway, this is how i did it/am doing it

philosophy; long-term sustainability

my philosophy for my methods is that first and foremost, it should be easily sustainable in the long-term. i don't want to expend energy and effort in short-term goals and methods that i cannot maintain in the long-term; to work at something only to have it waste away into nothingness is a waste of time and effort to me and something i wanted to avoid fervently. as such, in my path towards building a 10/10 physique, i wanted to use methods that would be sustainable in the long-term so that i could actually maintain a 10/10 physique with minimal effort having achieved it. as such, methods and practices should be as convenient as possible, as 'lazy' as possible, as suited towards my lifestyle as possible, require as little willpower as possible, and be as easy as possible

body fat

one can be extremely muscular but yet have an unimpressive physique simply because all that muscle is hiding beneath layers of fat. most people with moderate athletic activity probably have the necessary musculature to have an impressive physique if not for body fat which not only hides muscle definition but gives the body a softening, gooey look. the ideal body fat level for males should be that whereby the abs are moderately visible unflexed even in poor lighting conditions, with very visible muscle separation/definition, but not too low as to look unnatural, epitomised by brad pitt in fight club and the spartans in the movie 300. body fat % looks and matters differently depending on one's muscle or build, so describing it in terms of aesthetics rather than a number is more useful.

gaining body fat is trivial; consume plenty of carbs and calories, more than your daily maintenance, and you will pack it on. the primary problem for people is how to lose it, and how to do so sustainably in the long-term.

to lose body fat, one has to 1. have a calorie deficit and 2. create the optimal, hormonal profile to encourage the body to access its fat stores and burn body fat. insulin is a hormone that signals the body to store calories as fat, and if insulin levels are perpetually elevated, make it very difficult for the body to access fat stores. a calorie deficit whilst insulin levels are spiked make it difficult for the body to access fat stores for energy, causing fatigue, lethargy, and a growing, gnawing, eventually-overwhelming hunger as the body attempts to match the energy demands required of it. lethargy and fatigue is experienced as the body tries to downregulate activity since it has less calories to fuel itself, and hunger pangs become louder and louder as the body demands consumption of calories for its energy expenditure.

i decided that the easiest, most sustainable method to reduce my body fat would be to eat less rather than exercise more because i dislike exercising more than eating less. also, i decided to do intermittent fasting which is a pattern of eating/fasting whereby one fasts for a 16 hour window, and then consumes food in the remaining 8 hour window.

the possible (imo, probable, but i've only done moderate research) benefits of intermittent fasting are;
1. it is psychologically easier and simpler; simpler to just not think about food for the 16 hour window, and be able to eat a filling amount without feeling deprived in 8 hour window. it is more satisfying to eat 2 full meals than 3 smaller-meals. i have on occasion only ate one meal which either accelerates my calorie deficit or allows me to eat other snacks whilst still maintaining a deficit
2.during the fasting window, insulin levels go down, enabling the body to access and burn its fat stores. this reduces lethargy, fatigue and hunger pangs. so physiologically and psychologically, it is beneficial. i also time my 'workout' periods to match my eating window in order to take advantage of the period where carbs and proteins are available for exercise and muscle synthesis

since i was already lean, i set an approximate, moderate calorie deficit of 1500-3000 calories per week. using an online calculator, i calculated my daily maintenance calorie intake to be approximately 1800-1900 calories and used rough estimates of my calorie intake (eg a large, filling meal would roughly by 700-800 calories). although i found myself snacking much less (every snack delays fat loss), i allowed myself to snack or overeat when i wanted to, as long as i maintained a moderate weekly deficit. however, Intermittent Fasting worked so well for me (negligible hunger pangs or lethargy) that i think i hit either maintenance or deficit calories every day. as my abs became more and more visible by the third week, i decided that i could ease up on the calorie deficit in order to faciliate muscle building.

on a sidenote, i also engaged in moderate cardio exercises as i needed to train for my ippt 2.4, whilst having football games on weekends with the gang. on those exercise days, i usually allowed myself to consume 'cheat-luxury' calories like chocolate, milo, biscuits, etc.

overall, i found that IF and maintaining a weekly calorie deficit was relatively easy, barely taxed my willpower, and very sustainable in the long-term. when i reach my ideal physique/body fat level, i can probably indefinitely sustain it via IF whenever i feel like i need to 'cut'.

muscle mass

a 10/10 physique requires not just low body fat but also a substantial musculature. resistance exercise enables one to preserve or even build (if one has little muscle mass to begin with) on a calorie deficit. since i needed to lose body fat and also build up muscle, it was essential that i did resistance exercises.

the most convenient type of resistance exercise are bodyweight exercises which use one's bodyweight as the resistance as they can be done anywhere, anytime, with minimal equipment/set-up. personally, i dislike going to the gym as i have to pay for it in terms of money and time and would never keep that up in the long-term. it is easy to get muscled but hard to get muscle-bound with bodyweight exercises - due to its nature, most of the body participates in the workout and muscle isolation is improbable if not impossible so excessive bulk that one can achieve with external weights is much harder to put on. plus, there is a pseudo-scientific theory that seems semi-convincing to me that the nature of bodyweight exercises signals to the body to lose fat in order to be more efficient...(basketballers, sprinters, rock climbers and gymnasts who have to most directly fight against their own bodyweight are the leanest! whereas sports that require fighting against an external weight - american football, soccer, powerlifting, judo, wrestling, etc - don't require as lean a physique)

so bodyweight exercises it would be!

1. legs: i am already 10/10 satisfied with my legs aesthetically, but decided to work on them anyway. i can already do pistol (one-legged) squats, and one-legged squats are pretty much the most you can push your leg with your bodyweight as resistance. there are a few harder variations of the one-legged squat i have found, which are shrimp squats and tuck squats which i have difficulty doing with my left leg so i have been working with that

2. core: already 10/10 satisfied with my core aesthetically but strengthwise, it could always be more impressive. am working towards a V-seat, having accomplished the L-seat for more than 15 seconds status. it has come to my attention that over-training one's core can lead to a blocky midsection/waist which disrupts the ideal-V-taper physique, so i will not put too much more attention.

3. chest: an issue i noticed with my own chest was that there was barely any upper chest development to accompany the lower chest. in my case, it wasn't too bad since i didn't have much of a chest to begin with but it was something to pay attention to if i wanted to build up my chest. i realised that there was no point focusing on the lower chest; the lower chest naturally grows faster, and focusing on the upper chest is sufficient. the 'inner chest' is also something to pay attention to if one wishes to have the square, armor plating look.

with the chest, the best bodyweight exercise is the push-up (which is very similar to the bench press). normal two-handed push ups are too easy and boring, and i decided to go for one-arm push ups. at the start, i could only do one-arm pushups with my arms on an elevated position, but at this point, i can pump out 5-7 of them. i learned and tested and noticed that decline push ups (where your legs are elevated) emphasize the upper chest, that placing your hands further forward emphasizes upper chest, that placing your hands closer to the center emphasizes the inner chest. so, when doing one-arm push ups, my 'optimal version' is to place one's hand slightly further forward and as close to the center as possible. i saw a video that explained how pulling your arm across your chest worked the inner chest (straighten your right arm, pull it across your chest to the left, flex and you can see and feel how the inner chest pops as the arm travels to the left. whilst in that arm-across-chest position, push that arm off against something and you will notice the inner chest pop further), so i developed a one-arm push up where the pushing arm would be on an elevated platform and i would drop down as low as i could (which is more than if my arm was not on an elevated platform of course), turn my body to face my pushing arm as much as possible, and do the one-arm push up. i also learned that reverse grip push ups, whereby one's fingers are pointed towards the feet instead of forward, maximize upper chest activation so i tried one-arm versions although i was too weak and had to do these on my knees. sometimes, i mixed in two-handed pike push ups (whereby one's hips are folded upwards instead of flat) with feet elevated.

i can see a small but significant inner and upper chest development after 3-4 weeks of training and very substantial increase in strength. a bit more development and a reduction in body fat and i will probably reach my ideal.

4. arms: my arms were always quite small and at this point, they are the main weakness in my physique. because they are my main weakness, i pay more attention to them and divide them as; forearms, triceps, biceps, shoulders/deltoid.

forearms; are involved in gripping, and are quite easy and convenient to train. simply find something that you have difficulty gripping and then grip it. i incorporate gripping in my pullup/chinup routine by wrapping an extra shirt to the bar to make it harder to grip.

triceps: are involved in pushing motions and since losing bodyfat and being able to pump out 5-7 one-arm push ups, the definition in my triceps have significantly improved. the remaining bodyfat and my lagging biceps (bigger biceps would 'tighten up' the skin and fat and increase definition) means that they aren't as defined as i want them to be but they are already pretty decent strength and aesthetic-wise

biceps: are involved in pulling motions and i had difficulty finding something to pull up on for awhile until i noticed i could use a hanger stand in my room. chin-ups target the biceps more than pull-ups, thus i have focused more on the former. i have worked my way from 2 chin-ups to 5, but both strength and aesthetic-wise, there is a lot of progress to be made. at the moment, there is very little visible bicep definition except when i curl and flex it. an eventual aim will be the one-arm pull-up.

shoulders/deltoids; are involved in stabilisation and general all-round strength and it seems like they automatically get plenty of work done in my workout. my shoulders look fantastic; they look and feel rock-solid with excellent definition and well-proportioned size.

5. planche: is a cool badass skill i'm working towards although i am right at the beginning struggling to hold a frog stand for more than 15 seconds.

exercise routine; rep ranges, details, theories

for long-term sustainability, i envisage that i would be able to maintain my ideal physique by working out for a minimum of once a week with bodyweight exercises which seems very doable.

having read some workout/strength-training research, i assume that a rep range of 4-8 is ideal for the thick, dense, hard, muscled look. lower than 4 and the focus leans towards neuro-muscular strength with minimal muscle gain whilst above 8 reps leads to 'softish' sarcoplasmic hypertrophy. because of the convenience of bodyweight exercises, i can do them at any time, and usually rest for <5 minutes between sets to avoid fatigue and allow me to do as much high-tension-quality volume as possible. low rep range = hard, dense muscle; high volume = increased muscle hypertrophy



***end***
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2016 was a great year for me; on a personal level, i reconnected with a lot of people and my social life became so much fuller and better which makes me happier; on a world-events level, the collapse of the cabal is becoming very clear and manifested in the very significant events of brexit and trump's presidential election


1. league of legends

got back to league of legends; initially i quit because my wifi connection was shitting up my connection but i got an ethernet cable and then got back into league gaming with the gaming gang. in 2015, my social life had crawled to a near-death stop, but getting back with the gaming gang has rejuvenated it. my return also coincided with the return of yijun and nickeng's return to gaming so our group had a sudden big boost of people and energy

i will briefly describe how much of this i felt fate played a hand in; previously i had quit league because my wifi connection was fucking up my ingame connection with lag spikes and shit and this precipitated the death of my social life (i is basically a hermit that stays home most days, so without the online gaming gang, i had few windows of socialisation). eventually, i got an ethernet cable because i was frustrated with the connection problems but because i had stopped for so long, i didn't think or subconsciously assumed that the league group had stopped playng and didn't think to ask. until, in a state of funk in early december, i happy-birthday-wished liang on facebook and he invited me back to playing league. the first time i reconnected with them was quite surreal and reminded me of the camaraderie, banter and nonsense-fooling around that we did. everyone had matured so the games were more high-energy and much less angsty when losing. and, fairly soon, a few guys (nickeng, yijun, cedric, jiawei, etc) who had previously stopped playing league due to various reasons rejoined the gang which make things more fun and high-energy than before

2. ulu pandan street footie group

after getting back with da gaming gang, the idea came to me to start a football group for the ex-hwachong football gang. (notice, the idea came to me, i don't take credit for creating it). unfortunately, after a moderately success first session, enthusiasm and participation for the group quickly fizzled out to nothing. i knew that i had a core group of roughly 5 or 6 people who were interested in playing, so decided to start another group based on location rather than ex-hwachong status. this time, the group was much more successful and whilst we had difficulty scraping 10+ players for the first few months, i believe we've gained enough momentum to get close to 10+ players consistently nowadays. the group is comprised of hwa chong friends and friends of friends, and the energy of the group is very HIGH, friendly and fun.

the group is very good for me because 1. real-life face to face social interactions with good friends 2. playing football is very fun with the right people 3. excuse to exercise

3. new computer + overwatch

i've been using a laptop for all of my life but switched to a 3-in-1 desktop...and the monitor is so much bigger LUL. its so much better for watching movies and porn (BAHAAHAA). also, bought a new hyped game released by blizzard called overwatch which is a 6 v 6 man fps which is much more dynamic and fast-paced than league and a good change of pace for gaming

4. brexit + trump + 2016

reading david wilcock's website, he mentioned that the supposed 'year of change' was actually 2016 instead of 2012, and he had went along with the 2012 hype for the sake of misleading and exposing fake insiders. david icke also mentioned in a (iirc 2009) youtube interview that the year of change was 2016 and not 2012. and so it was. i can't articulate well the geopolitical consequences of why brexit was a defeat for the cabal, but i know it was a defeat because of how fervently they were opposed to it. when the establishment media is castigating something, it is almost always a good indication that that is something the cabal does not want. when you have establishment politicians trying to shame and intimidate people into voting against something, as with the US puppet president obama, it is another clear indication of the cabal's agenda. and so, the lying polls, the frenzied anti-brexit propaganda, the shame and intimidation rhetoric and tactics, the attempt to frame pro-brexiteers as xenophobic, uneducated, 'bad' people all made it extremely clear that the cabal hated brexit and that the success of brexit, which surely succeeded inspite of the rigged voting machines (they simply did not rig it hard enough) was a clear indication of the cabal's loosening grip on control.

(this is a good lesson as to why evil is self-defeating; evil relies on lies to prop itself up, but the insidious nature of lies means that one can easily be caught up, entangled, twisted and deluded by their own web of lies. when one lies so often and is so used to lying, their faculty for discerning truth and reality deteriorates, eventually to a point where they cannot recognize reality and thus either underestimate or overestimate the trends and patterns of reality. brexit probably happened because they had become so detached from the sentiment of the masses and so choked up and blinded on their own lies and propaganda that they failed to rig the brexit referendum hard enough (if they rigged it too much, they feared that it would be too obvious; lies are only acceptable if everyone knows they are lies but don't know that everyone else also knows that its a lie)

donald trump's election to US president is a far more obvious defeat for the cabal. in his electoral run, he bluntly pointed his fingers at all the corrupt and nasty shit that was going on in the US. the rigged elections, the rigged system, the rigged media, the special interests and donor-lobbyist class that maneuvered the politicians. he railed against what every politician knew was happening but dared not mention either because they were complicit or that they simply did not have the balls. trump demonstrated that he knew that the cabal was in control and that he dared to call them out for it. and as the election went on, it became clearer and clearer that this was a fight between good and evil, darkness and light. hillary clinton, so clearly a depraved and corrupt candidate, was protected and lionised by the corrupt establishment media whereas trump. whilst saying some bombastic and controversial things, had very little actual dirt on him no matter how much the media tried to scandalise it (the most damaging things about trump was 1. his refusal to disclose his tax returns (which in the context of how regularly he had been audited with nothing wrong being found becomes irrelevant and 2. the access hollywood tape where he spoke in very crass terms about groping women (which the media easily could and did spin into a case of trump boasting about sexual assault, but a fair and logical assessment would reveal that he was merely boasting about how as a rich and powerful celebrity, women allowed him to touch them)

the shock, outrage and fear of the cabal was clear to see; they described him as literally hitler, they tried to shame and intimidate his voters (very stupid thing to do which backfired on them as it made trump's support double down) and paint them as uneducated, xenophobic, racist, sexist, 'baddies' (basically they threw the entire politicall correctness playbook), there were false-flag hate crimes created to make trump look bad, assassination attempts even, the polls overwhelmingly pointed to a clinton victory (as a propaganda tool to demoralise trump's support, but proved to be evidence that the establishment media WAS corrupt and fake because the election results were the opposite), on election day itself there were several voting anomalies, after the elections there were soros-linked violent protests and riots, electoral vote recounts, attempts to intimidate and sway the electoral college (backfired again as more electors chose to not vote for clinton than trump LOL), and the continued quadruling down of the 'trump is hitler' narrative.



2017

so i have much optimism heading into 2017...I look forward to the cabal's continued collapse and hope to see the suppressed technology/information/free energy that david wilcock talks about surfacing into mainstream consciousness.
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previously, there was a recognition that 'I' am not the narrative that runs in my head, but the silent aware consciousness

previously, i also explored and discussed concepts of the separate self and the whole; 'I' as a part of the universe, as a drop of water in an ocean

in buddhist teachings, there is a prevalent teaching of 'no self', in psychologicial and philosophical circles, there is the idea of the 'self/ego' as merely a conceptual framework, a cognitive continuity that references a center called the self/me/I that only exists as a reference, in the same way that a name is only 'real' as a 'reference' to a human being.

for instance, a name 'Harry' is only a reference to a human being; 'Harry' is not real in the sense that there is a uniquely real harry-existence, just like a 'university' is only a reference to a conceptual institution made up of buildings, teachers, students, administrators, instead of a uniquely real university-existence.

in that same way, 'self' is not a real existence, but simply a reference, a concept to this particular form of life

'self' is simply a concept, nothing more. when buddha talks about no-self, he was referencing this realisation that 'self'/I/me is simply a concept, much like the ego is simply a conglomeration of thought-narratives. one can look at the grass in nature and give each blade a 'self', or look at one's fingers and give each one an identity, or note down and name every breath taken but they are still conceptual frames imposed onto the totality of life.

so 'you' are not merely part ot life, 'you' are life, and 'you' is simply a concept imposed on life to differentiate and distinguish a particular form and to enable others to reference it. 'you' have as much 'free will' as a blade of grass, a breath of life, a drop of water in the ocean, a university institution, a ripple in the river, a football team on the field.

***


if self-realisation is the recognition that one is not the thought-narratives that run through one's head but the awareness/consciousness behind it, no-self-realisation is the recognition that the I/self/me/ is merely a concept imposed onto awareness/consciousness and a particular expression of life. a universe is a particular expression, a planet as well, as is a country, a state, a community, a human body, a finger, a cell, a molecule, an atom.

the totality of life runs itself and all its particular expressions. a particular expression can have the delusion that it is the particular rather than the totality - a person that identifies itself as the human being rather than an expression of the totality - and with it, the delusion of free will (that a particular expression has agency over, and can defy the will of the totality) such as the blade of grass 'thinking' that it can sway independently or even against the wind, or that the wave is rising on the merits of its own hard work independent of the currents and ocean, or the human being that 'makes it' on his own

understanding that there is no real 'self'', that 'self' is merely a concept, there is no 'one' to have free will nor is there anyone to be a puppet of determinism. there is simply the totality of life expressing its self through this form - free in the sense that the totality of life can only be spontaneous and free on its own (after all, the totality IS total and cannot be subject to anything else, and is thus free), determined in the sense that all expressions are determined by the totality of life
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I DID NOT KNOW that livejournal only allowed you to view entries from your friends page from the last two weeks until recently. for a while, i've been wondering where all my friend entries went but assumed it was some kind of setting error or bug but i recently found out that its been livejournal policy to set a two week limit on friend entry display

big part of why i hung around was to see what rubbish my friends would post (teehee), but was they blogged more sporadically, i checked less often as well, thinking that the entries would accumulate so i could read em in one big patch but this 2 week limit thing makes it so that i have to check up on it every 2 weeks minimum!?!

seems like this lj might be dying a slow death since i have less reason to check up on it now.

i have entires up to 2007!! which i am SCARED of revisiting but want to keep around so that one day when i am braver i will be able to look and cringeywingey or be blown away but my own brilliance.

anyway i was going to post something else on spirituality and i think i should keep things separate
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tragedy; the basic fault; original sin;

'you are bad/not good enough/ insufficient/ inadequate"

first, the parent splits the child's connection to his source, his fullness, his completeness, his sense of unconditional love and support and nourishment and sustenance and all that makes him whole, full, happy. the child is told that his being is insufficient, that he/she is incomplete, deficient, inadequate

(ironically, the original sin in mainstream christianity refers to a state of inherent deficiency, an intrinsic sinfulness, that humans are by their very nature, bad )

in order to earn approval/love/appreciation/reward, the parent tells the child that they must do xyz

this sets the dysfunctional pattern in the child that they are not whole and loved as they are, and that they must do something in order to feel whole, to receive love, to get approval. Being themselves is not enough, they must do and find fulfillment in doing

enough people do this, and the individual has this pattern mirrored all around him; the pattern becomes embedded into society's superego, passed on from one generation to the other, the pattern and message being - you are not good enough unless you do something that we approve of

---

most people never fully heal from this dysfunctional pattern; you can be eighty, disease-ridden, dying, a billionaire, and yet still be hungering for more power and money. why? because society tells you that power and money gives you wholeness and completion, and when you get it, for a while it seems true, for a while the world seems right, you feel complete, fulfilled, relieved, but because the dysfunctional pattern is based on doing, you will sooner or later have to continue doing to chase that high again

the dysfunctional pattern is that the individual is incomplete, insufficient, bad, sinful, by themselves, and that the only way they can redeem and restore themselves is to do and achieve what society tells them that they must

society's superego is the parent telling the child to study hard to earn their approval

---

the secret of life, the universe, of redemption, liberation is so simple

you are already whole, you are already precious and perfect, valuable and love. a person that gives unconditional love mirrors it to the person receiving it, helps the person realise that they are already love, already whole, already value.

its a simple message yet its so difficult to understand and accept because, truly, as simple as the message is, there are important caveats

you are, in your essence, whole, complete, love, joy, BUT the caveat is that you are likely to, like the overwhelmingly vast majority of humanity, possess the dysfunctional pattern in you that has led you to accumulate layers of conditioning and traumatised pain-energy that blocks you from feeling and connecting to your sense of wholeness, love, and joy

in your essence you already whole, but because of the dysfunctional pattern embedded in you, you cannot feel it, at least not fully and for the majority o the time

---

if you want to find the solution, first you must understand the problem

and this is the problem of original sin - the original sin is that society, your parents, the bible, told you that you were not good enough as you were, that you were not whole and complete and good and loved as you already are, that you cannot simply just be

instead, you must do whatever they tell you you must do to feel that wholeness, to receive love, to be complete, to full-fill yourself

you must recognize that this dysfunctional pattern is the cause of your problems, the root of your unhappiness, of deficiency and incompleteness.

you must recognize that seeking outwards for fulfillment is the very thing that disconnects you from your fullness, that further perpetuates your cycle of suffering, that strengthens and repeats the dysfunctional pattern

---

the path of redemption is a simple but difficult one

few people can feel whole, complete, full, happy just by being who they are. one can accept the message that fulfillment is their essence but it is meaningless unless they can feel and experience it. to be whole, to be love, to be value, to be complete, to be happy is only meaningful if one actually experiences it but most people can't feel it all the time or even the majority of the time. if they could, they would no longer play out the dysfunctional pattern to seeking wholeness and fulfillment from the outside

what blocks and disconnects them from feeling their essence, their source, their nature that is fulfillment, value and love is layers of mental-emotional conditioning and traumatised pain-energy that have built up.

the main obstacle is truly the traumatised pain-energy that is present because it can be so unbearable, so overwhelming, that one becomes so desperate to seek relief that they fall back into their old dysfunctional patterns, much like an addict unable to withstand the energetic pull of his cravings relapses.

when one learns to stop seeking and stop looking to the outside, they must then turn inwards. but what they usually first encounter are knots and balls and layers of traumatised pain-energy - stuff that makes them restless, uncomfortable, inadequate, depressed, angry, anxious and all that bad shit. previously, the usual solution to all these tensions was to discharge them outside - find someone or something to take it out on, or to find some distraction or external relief

to clear one's psyche of the bundles of pain-energy is the only way to return one's connection to their source. as one experiences it, accepts it, feels the pain-energy - instead of ignoring, running away or dissociating from it - the pain gradually discharges. relapsing is sometimes inevitable as long as the energy charge is too overwhelming, but as long as one makes some effort and does work towards dicharging at least some of the pain-energy, progress is made

---

and there lies the path of redemption. be as you are in this present moment right now, accept and experience the pain-energy that rises up, recognize that whilst external events might trigger it, ultimately the source of pain is within as is the solution, and thus the only sane action is to discharge the pain by facing it instead of blaming it on some outside source.

here, the mental and feeling aspects support each other; when one is feeling good, it is easy to recognize and affirm the mental logic of the spiritual teaching; when one is feeling bad, it is essential that one remembers the mental logic of the spiritual teaching so as not to fall back into the old dysfunctional pattern of looking towards the outside for answers and solutions

as one returns back to their source, their essence and true nature, the split in the psyche is healed, the basic fault repaired, the original sin repented. one then experiences themselves not as whole or loved or joyful, but wholeness itself, love itself, joy itself. one is completeness, one is wholeness, one is love
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after a roughly 3 month period of angst-depression, my inner experience has become stiller and together with the self-realisation experience, enabled me a much clearer understanding of spiritual truths.

our true, pure nature or essence is one of peace, well-being, trust and joy. to find true happiness, that is unconditional, is to dissolve all that veils us from our pure nature/essence.

when one is born, one mostly experiences their beingness and essence. if one observes an infant or small children, there is a sense of trust, spontaneity, and well-being in them. even though physically they are small and vulnerable, there is a sense of confidence and fearlessness in them that they possess.

however, since current humanity/society is mostly stuck in egoic consciousness, trapped in the suffering and unhappiness of their mental-emotional patterns, the child grows up and begins to internalise the egoic consciousness. they take on thoughts, concepts, self-images that veil their consciousness, that dissociates them from their beingness, their true essence. the pains and fears that surround them as they grow up are internalised and they adopt patterns of suffering and unhappiness

one of these patterns is the orientation, habit and idea that happiness/fulfillment comes from outside. in the first place, this is untrue. the fulfillment comes from Being, and just the external orientation itself displaces us away from our true Being. this creates a hole in our experience, which humans then try to fill up with something outside. when one finally achieves the desired object, the psychological orientation away from Being is temporarily paused, enabling the person to access his natural Being. but because this outward orientation is so ingrained, one cannot rest in that Being state and gradually feels the inner tension, the return of the hole, and the need to fill it up again.

all dysfunctional patterns come from our alienation from Being and thus are all related, but another variation of the pattern is the need for struggle/effort/doing due to a sense of fear and distrust. because trust and well-being come from our true Beingness/nature, when we are separated from it, we develop and experience a sense of fear, threat and distrust. because we cannot trust and let go and let life, there develops an urge to control, to struggle, to 'do' our life. we think that nothing will happen if we don't do anything, we think that we must struggle to protect ourselves and those around us. we don't see that our Beingness, our true essence, life, is dynamic and eternally changing, developing, evolving, experiencing. when one sees and experiences the dynamism of being, our true essence, one can then relax, let go, and trust in the dynamism and flow of life.


***


in the most basic terms, everything boils down to whether or not we are established in our Beingness/true nature/Christ consciousness or not. our Beingness is simply who we are in essence, it is our original state, our natural state, the kingdom of heaven, paradise, that is always with us. when we are established in it, we are goodness, love, joy, peace, fulfillment. disconnected from it, we are fearful, restless, distrusting, unloving, unfulfilled.

all spiritual work is to enable us to regain that natural state of Being, where we flow with life, where we are full of love and fulfillment. all spiritual work is to show us how Beingness is, and to discharge the egoic consciousness within us that dissociates us from our Beingness.

the idea of nondoing means the dropping of struggle and allowing the dynamism of Being to take over. it means that we relinquish ego-based action, so that Being-ness, our true nature, can act.

the idea of surrender, means relinquishing egoic activity that seek to escape from pain or run towards desire, so that we can return to the stillness and peace of Being.

the idea of being present, means to return and establishing ourselves in our Beingness which is here, now, in the present moment, and dropping egoic activity that usually pulls us away into the past or future, in time

the idea of self-inquiry is to strip away our egoic conceptions of who we are, to reveal the Beingness that is truly who we are in essence. Beingness is extremely ordinary, it is within everyone, it is the sense of presence and consciousness was present when we were infants and present when we are adults. strip away all mental-emotional concepts that we develop from infancy to adulthood and one can get a sense of our original Beingness.
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multiple interpretations of self-realisation

1.understanding, realising, experientially knowing who the true Self is. realisation as a process of understanding.
2. embodying, becoming, living as the true Self in reality, in practice, to make it real instead of just a concept. realisation as a process of bringing into reality
3. making the locus of self real, authentic, genuine making ourselves and our sense of self REAL, instead of remaining as our fake and false ego-personalities. realisation as a process of becoming more authentic and less fake.

in a wonderful manner, all three interpretations are completely apt descriptions of Self-realisation, and are all relevant and significant facets of Self-realisation.

***

to explain why self-realisation is a path and process of dissolution, the third interpretation is the most apt.

the third interpretation posits that we carry ego-personalities that are 'fake', false and artificial. in day-to-day experience, we can usually distinguish people who seem 'fake' and those who are more genuine and authentic. we find people who are more genuine and authentic usually more pleasant to be around, whilst there is usually an unsettling or uneasy quality around those who feel 'fake'. the 'fake' person possess the same real, genuine authentic Self, but feels 'fake' because they carry a heavier ego-personality that distorts their individual expression.

self-REALisation, then, is a process of removing, dissolving, transcending what is fake, false and aritificial in us. what is real is already there. you cannot create it, build it, achieve it, obtain it, acquire it, in the same way as you cannot build or acquire the light shining from the sun. the light is already there, shining brightly. all one needs to do is to remove the clouds that block it from coming through.

to be real, then, means to remove what is false in us, to destroy our artificiality, to transcend our delusions.

look. if you want to be absolutely real, absolutely genuine, if you want to be who you are in all its beauty and fire and preciousness, you must realise that you already are that. you already are you, you cannot be any more real than who you are.

to lead and live a real, authentic life, one must recognize that life is already real, is already authentic. the reality of life is that it is real, just like the reality of you is you, and the reality of 1 is 1.

if we and life are already real, then where does the sense of fakeness and artificiality in our lives and society come from?


***

as established above, truth and reality is unadulterated existence. what is false, fake and artificial must therefore be added on as impurities that dirty and discolor the pristine purityof real-ness

what is false? all that is not real.

the ego-personality - our self-image, narrative stories, concepts, identifications, beliefs, ideas about life - all falsities

if you have a self-image of yourself, you will try to live out or defend this self-image. your self-image is who you think you are, not who you are.

if you have an idea or concept about how reality or your life should be and you try to live it that way, you are not living a real life, but a concept of life.

imagine a person that lives in singapore and adopts the conditioning in singapore. reset and put the same person in america and he will adopt a different set of conditioning. who the person essentially never changes whether they grew up in singapore or america, but their conditioning and ego-personality changes. who they are is essentially who they are; what is added on to them are artificial constructs

a baby starts off with essentially no concepts in life or conditioning. they experience life in a completely real and open manner. a baby doesn't get frustrated if they are born in poverty because they have no concept of poverty. there is just reality. babies and young children are open, innocent and fully authentic because they have not yet added enough falsehood to veil their essence, their real-ness.

as part of the growth and developmental process, the child has to develop his conceptual abilities. previously, the child lived in an undifferentiated, nonconceptual reality without the capacity to use concepts. as he grows up, he learns to differentiate reality and use concepts and gradually inhabits a conceptual reality (reality veiled and defined by concepts). he has to build up an ego structure to develop a sense of self, an individuality, and independence. and yet, there must come a time where the grown-up child transitions into being an adult. the grown-up child must mature and transcend conceptual reality into a true adult - one that has evolved the capacity to use and employ concepts, but transcends them and lives in a differentiated, nonconceptual reality

(in this definition, most adults are therefore merely grown-up children - subject to tantrums, delusional concepts (eg religious fundamentalism), negativity, suffering. just look at how childish many politicians and 'adults' behave to see how true this definition is!)

***

self-REALisation is thus a maturation process, a process of growing up. it means to live and die by the unadulterated Truth, to be completely genuine and authentic. it is a process of becoming real again, of embodying Matthew 18:3 "And he said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." We must become like little children, in the sense that we once again rediscover and reinhabit a genuine, authentic, nonconceptual reality, so that we can enter the kingdom of heaven - the state of happiness, peace and fulfillment, a state that can only come when we are being utterly real to ourselves.

self-realisation means to become real again, and since we already are real, we can only discard what is false. to reembody and inhabit a nonconceptual reality requires a stripping away of concepts, not a construction of a 'real' reality. we do not try to create or generate or make an 'authentic' reality since reality is already authentic. we do not try to create or achieve our authentic selves since we are already authentically ourselves.

thus, the process of becoming real is a process of dissolving and discarding what is false. as you dissolve what is false and become more real, you move closer to your true Self (first interpretation), and live from that true Self more in reality (second interpretation)

***

the actual process of becoming real is a matter of understanding. once you see and observe in your own experience what is false, you cannot take it so seriously anymore. you were false because you previously couldn't differentiate falsehood from reality. previously, you accepted the conditioning you were imprinted with, and the dictates of your ego-personality as real. you didn't quesiton them you identified with them, you thought you were them, and self-improvement or progress was a matter of replacing a negative concept with a more positive one.

a poor, lazy, ugly, unfit, low-self esteem, negative person is a bunch of concepts that you take to be yourself, and self-improvement comprises of trying to replace these concepts with more positive ones. so you try to gain wealth, to become more motivated, to become fitter, to gain confidence, to be more positive. of course, positive concepts are better to have than negative concepts, but they are still concepts. they are still not who you are. you can clothe yourself in more pleasant falsehoods, but falsehoods they remain.

to study hard, to get a good job, to find a relationship, to get married, to have kids, to be a productive member of society, to give back to society, to volunteer, to do charity, to obey the law. these are all concepts dictated to you by society, the superego at work. reality is none of those things. your life is none of those things. those are things you can do in your life, but not what your life is about. if your life is lived as a series of concepts to be adhered to, then you are not living a REALised life. you are living a false life, that can still be very pleasant (and if it is pleasant, why not continue?) but it is not a real life.

in a self-REALised person, there is nothing they should or should not do. they simply are, they are simply being, and are completely real, much like little children.

as one notices what is real and what is false, one gradually, automatically drops away what is false. falsity becomes more and more unappetizing, loses its appeal, and loosens its hold on a individual's consciousness. but the process can be and is often very difficult, very arduous, very painful.

by themselves, concepts and narratives are not that painful to let go off, although it might be unsettling. for instance, if one thought of himself as a successful businessman, it might be unsettling for him to no longer identify himself as a successful businessman. or, if a person realises they are not their Christian identity, it might be unsettling and frightening to her that she might lose the structures and relationships in her life that revolved around the Church.

much scarier is the dissolution of repressed pain and trauma that supported and justified the falsehoods. a girl that was sexually abused might carry with her the concepts that all men are bad, or the self-image that she was unworthy or a slut or that she deserved it. her ego-defenses sought to protect her from the trauma and pain, in fact, it was the pain and trauma from the abuse that caused her to develop these defenses. what happens when one goes through the process of dissolving all that is false, including ego defenses? the repressed pain and trauma will have to surface again to be experienced and released so that the trapped emotional charge stops running the ego defenses. in the end, the girl can become more open and develop a healthier relationship with herself and men, but to get there, she would probably have to experience her buried pain.

a lot of ego activity that creates, supports and perpetuates the falsehoods are running on emotional energy, most of it painful. a person adamant at being successful might be covering up the fear of humiliation or shame of being treated as a failure, a people-pleaser is probably covering up for a sense of deficiency and unworthiness, a person that wants to be 'special' is covering up a fear of being inadequate, of being ordinary. if one wishes to be real again, to be fully and completely who they are and not their ego-personalities, they will have to experience, dissolve and release all of the pain-energy repressed within them.

who we think we are is dissolved completely to reveal who we really are - that is the process of self-REALisation
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9 days ago, i cautiously posited that i might have realised my true self as the silent, full, dynamic awareness. now, i am sure that that realisation was a genuine one, but utterly, utterly undeveloped.

after the self-realisation, i went through mood cycles of with feelings of abandonment, meaninglessness, aridness, depression that usually eased up during the night. a lot of past memories were stirred up, as were a lot of raw emotions.

the self-realisation was genuine, but so what? unhappiness was still there, narrative thought was still there, the Self still got sucked into ego-stories. there was some distance, some space that the self-realisation gave me, but not much, and my inner background was so heavy, dull, and painful that the self-realisation felt so pointless and meaningless.

a truly mature and developed self-realisation 'should' be free of suffering - that is the point.

***

trial by fire;

all the pain and suffering that came up simply came up for no particular 'story' reason, meaning no particular external triggers. instead they just floated into consciousness and my guess is that most of it is past buried repressed pain surfacing as i stop running away and allow the unconscious trauma to surface into awareness

the pain and suffering sucks, but i can see that it can open one's heart. one is reminded of the preciousness of love, the preciousness of the other human being. when one is stunned, crushed, grinded down by the raw pain, there is just the utter blankness of the present moment. it is so utterly miserable when one is in it, and everything feels so hopeless and meaningless when one is stuck in suffering. when one steps out of the misery, one can look back and reflect on it as a healing process but when one is in the healing process, one just wants the pain to stop.

***

where did all this pain come from? why did it surface now, and not one year ago when external circumstances were relatively similar?

this existentialist angst, this abandonment anxiety, this grief of deep loss, this dreadful heaviness, this sense of inadequacy and deficiency

because in childhood, and even as we grew up, we were taught that meaning and fulfillment was to be found in the world; if not status, wealth or fame, then at the very least friendship, family and relationships. yet even friendships, family and relationships are objects of the world, transient, fleeting, subject to dissolution and death. if one seeks fulfilment only in existence, one is forced to be confronted with the angst of losing the existence that gives one meaning and fulfillment.

because in childhood, and even as we grew up, we were taught that love, security and connection was to be found in other people. and this was certainly true when we were children, being dependent on our caregivers. and when our needs were not met, when we were separated from those we were dependent on, we were abandoned, cut off from the love, warmth and security they gave us. traumatised, we became anxious for this not to happen again, yet when it inevitably happens, the pain of abandonment floods back

because we were told that our worth was subject to the discrimination of the world, their approval, their judgement, we tell each other that value and self-esteem is to be found in the world, of things, where one should find something that they can be proud of, where one should reframe the stories they tell themselves to be more positive, where one derives their sense of worth from doing something or having something. and because there are so many things to be done, because true worth ultimately cannot be found in the world of things, one is constantly feeling and fighting against the sense of inadequacy and deficiency

***

unconditional love is beautiful because it is not of this world; it is unconditional, there no matter the conditions of life. just being ourselves, here, now, is enough. we don't need to run or chase or seek elsewhere, in the world, for love and fulfillment because those are our nature, if only we can stop spinning and toiling away to notice it
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https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1ou4en/i_cant_stand_the_idea_of_my_parents_eventually/

was thinking about death after noticing that (maybe) more than a quarter of my life has passed, wondering about how my parents feel about death, about how someone would lead their life knowing that it was going to end sooner or later, how in some sense we are just waiting to die, how it would feel to lose a person close to me, how people in their forties, fifties, sixties, seventies and more would lead their lives with the knowledge of their impending, inevitable death, how i would eventually (probably) lose my parents, etc

even though i have a deep conviction and knowing that our souls or consciousness survives after death, there was still a deep sadness at the thought of losing someone on the physical dimension. in recent weeks, after waking up i also frequently thought back on my past memories, the people i got to know and then separated from, very close friends, not so close friends, acquaintances, delightful moments shared with strangers, the activities i so enjoyed and engaged in but no longer do (football in high school, video games with friends, high jump, being in school, etc). (but almost no nostalgia for the 2 years in NS...)

decided to google how other people thought about the topic and experience of death and came across several threads which moved me, but the one that shook me the most was

https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1ou4en/i_cant_stand_the_idea_of_my_parents_eventually/

reading how someone else lost entire family, especially their brother who was only a year older and their grieving process just shook me to the core and i couldn't help but cry in sadness and grief. i could feel the pain, the grief, the anguish, the profound sense of loss, not just for that particular person but for everyone who goes through the process.

i don't think the solution to this existentialist conundrum is to rationalize or distract one's way out of it. by staying with it, by experiencing the grief, the sadness, the anguish, by not trying to conceptualize an answer, one gradually comes to a deep peace to what is. or at least, that's how i experienced it

during the crying process, i could feel a deep empathy flow from me, recognizing the precious human being in everyone. no matter how ego-cluttered, the precious human being is there deep within. mortality also adds a sense of preciousness to life, and highlights the insignificance of whatever the ego thinks to be significant

at times like this, i want to get on facebook and announce my love or care for everyone but i stop myself because i know not everyone is in the same state as i am. i think this is only something one can do anonymously, or if they have terminal illness or having a shared experience

life is too precious to be wasted on living the way someone tells you you should. and no matter how hurtful or egotistical, deep within the core of every human is a preciousness that is there to be loved.
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i was washing the cooking pot, noticing the thoughts that ran through my head, when i suddenly thought,' i am not my life story'. the life story being the congolomeration of self-referential thoughts, emotions, reactions and narratives we build around our experience.

in that moment there was a very subtle, almost imperceptible shift, where it seemed that the 'I' thought that clung around the life story relaxed into the feeling of natural Beingness, the still, silent, consciousness. and it seemed to predominate, to gain a sense of certainty and sureness that previously wasn't there.

to use an analogy, it is like riding a bicycle and learning how to ride it and being unsure whether one knows how to ride the bicycle and then, gradually, almost imperceptibly, suddenly being sure that one knows how to ride a bicycle.

whilst i previously was very familiar with the sense of Beingness, the Self, i was still unsure, wavering, intellectually familiar but experientially shaky, until i finally shifted into a sureness, a certainty that this is my Self, this is who I am, devoid and separate from my life story, the narratives I tell myself about me.

spiritual teachings teach that Self-realisation is realising who your true Self is, the Beingness, the still, ever-present Consciousness. I tried to be cautious and honest, as whilst i had glimpses of it, and intellectual knowledge, the experiential certainty wasn't there yet and the narrative-train was something i still had difficulty dis-identifying. with the disclaimer that anything is possible and i might lose this state of certainty, i will cautiously suggest that i may have realised my essential Self.

***

i was uncertain about writing this because i wanted to let it settle for at least a few days to see whether this state of self-realisation was permanent, but then i thought that i might forget or get lazy or hazy about the details and experience.

its not that there are no thoughts, no narratives, no emotions, no unhappiness still there. they are there, but one doesn't identify, or quickly stops identifying with them. they are recognized as thoughts happening in the place of the essential Consciousness, the real, very ordinary, natural Self that you know to be who you are.
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